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Monday, February 18, 2013

needing love vs. deserving love

I feel like I am in control of 99% of my life. I consider myself happy and successful. I've reached my dreams of being able to entertain people and make a living doing what I love, thats everyones ideal right??? I have a family that I completely get along with now, we all live in the same region of the same state, and we all have goals we're achieving and watching each other blossom.

the one aspect of my life that I can't seem to control nor flourish nor stay afloat in is my intimate relationships. I've tried being celibate, I've tried being open minded, I've gone to therapy, seeked counseling, but now I'm just at a dead end...once again.


I don't want a break, I want to be in love and share my life with someone more than anything, create a family. maybe its the fact that I'll be 25 this year, going through a quarter life crisis or something, but I feel like life is moving so fast I don't want to miss my window of creating the family I've always wanted.

but am I looking too hard?! trying too hard?! expecting too much!? giving too little?! why can't I trust anyone?! why won't I let anyone love me?!

I've heard on NUMEROUS occasions, I don't deserve love. I never listen to what anyone says about my appearance, life choices, etc but for some reason this "I don't deserve love" has stuck with me and I start to believe it.

I've been a stripper, an escort, I've slept with married man, I've been dishonest in relationships....but this was all over 3 years ago. am I destined to have bad relationship karma for the rest of my life???

how do I brake this cycle. I have received God's forgiveness, so why can I not forgive myself. my true remorse pours out of me in the form of every tears when I am talking to God. 

I pray to God that He sends me the man He has been saving for me when the time is right but I am so impatient.

how do I become more relaxed? how do I break the mindset of not deserving love???

I NEED love in my life. I have money, I have followers, I have family, but I lack the love of my other half. money and success means nothing without a life fulfilled (and to me this means creating my own family)
when I was a little girl, I wanted to be 2 things. 1) an entertainer (which is what I do now) and 2) a mother. 

Jesus, take the wheel. cause I don't know what else to do.


  1. In due time the right man will come along and sweep you off ya feet. maybe he's there now but you not letting him in! maybe he doesn't look like the man in your dreams so you ignore him. just give it time and open your heart! he will come knocking.

  2. You do deserve love and you will have it one day. I didn't find love until two years ago, and I just turned 30. And you know what? I wasn't even looking for it. In fact, I gave up on love. I went though so many bad dates, met so many assholes who just used me. So I stopped trying. This guys asked me on a date and I thought it would be like all the rest, and that he would just end up dissapointing me in the end, but I went on the date anyway. I did not even make an effort to look nice on the date either. Normally I would have gotten all dolled up with pretty makeup and sexy clothes. I went with simple makeup, and I wore jeans, and black tshirt, and a black flannel. I looked a mess. After our first date, we went on a second date two days later and he asked me to be his girlfriend, and I said yes. We've been together for two years now and I'm the happiest I've ever been. So, i'm telling you all this because when true love is there, you won't have to find it, it will be right in front of you when it's the right time. Don't give up. Just keep loving yourself and love will find you when you least expect it. Don't settle for anyone. You're too awesome.

  3. You will find it when you least expect it girl fran.

    xox rica

  4. If you go looking for love you won't find it - it's gotta happen on its own and naturally! Rather than wanting to be loved by someone, love yourself and who you are! Concentrate on you and what's important! A man will stroll in your life one day without you even realizing it happened!

  5. I've got enough reasons to have bad relationship karma, too, but I've been married to my main man for 1.5 years now. You and I have a lot in common. Not so much the stripping and escorting, but the older men thing and the rest of the relationship shenanigans. Keep your chin up. Just be yourself. You don't want to change what your doing and end up with someone who doesn't like the real you. It's worse than being alone. xoxo R

    1. Oh for pete's sake. You're* xoxo R

  6. Trish,

    I think what you mean by "love" here is love between a man and a woman aka husband and wife, rite? First of all, you will find the right man if that's God's intention for you. But even if it's not, I'm sure He knows better than us.
    Second of all, ow Trish, you're young! I decided not to get married at the end of 2009. Little did I knew, that my future husband was right there right in front of my eyes. BUT he has things to finish off first before he could be with me. God knew I was ready to be a wife, but he was not ready to be a husband yet! Who knows, it might not be you, it might be him who is not ready, that's why God had not let you two find each other just yet! And I was in my mid thirties when I got married last year.
    Third of all, beware girlie, even love ceased to be love and turns into a demon the moment you make it an idol or a god, if you know what I mean.
    Hang in there, girlie!

    Visit me:
    LeeAnne, Style N Season

  7. Hi Trisha!

    First of all, YOU DESERVE LOVE. God IS love, and we are made in His image and were made to desire Him. The human person was made to be loved. Don't doubt that.

    Second, I know exactly what you mean by the impatience. It's so hard to wait for God's plan to unfold sometimes. I feel that way too. What I find helps me is spending time with our Lord in Adoration. I don't know if the church near where you live has a Perpetual Adoration chapel in it, but I'd suggest checking it out. If it doesn't, just go and sit in front of the Tabernacle and be with Jesus. Even though it doesn't always bring answers for me, it DOES always bring peace. You can tell Him anything... or you can just sit and be there with Him. Sometimes I like to do that too :) He loves it when people come see Him.

    Anyway, I hope you find the one someday. Don't worry about it too much-- God has it all in His hands. The man he's saved for you will be wonderful, and TOTALLY worth the wait :)


    Claritas Pastor

  8. I have just downloaded iStripper, and now I can watch the best virtual strippers on my taskbar.