so I woke up this morning with puffy under circles from crying my eyeballs out last night. and the thing is, if you would've asked me what this guy was to me, I would've said just a friend...I don't know how I got this emotionally attached.
I met this guy online back in March of this year. he was literally my DREAM man as far as looks, personality, charm, demeanor, overall human being was concern. now we were NEVER serious. I could've told you that then, during, and even now but somehow I still found myself falling in love with this guy who didn't REALLY care about me. I'm sure he liked being around me to a certain extent but we weren't like "lets meet the family" dating if you know what I mean.
so whatever, maybe we were friends with benefits, but I've had this kind of relationship with many a men and when it was over, it was over. or if I wasn't happy in it, I'd leave or him vice versa.
with this one, it was different....
let me preface this a little by saying I did know of this man before he knew of me, if that makes sense. so I had a little bit of that schoolgirl crush prior to him knowing me or my existence. but again, I've lived in LA for 7 years and this has never fogged my mind the way it had these past 9 months.
he was very sweet and kind and overly attentive at the beginning. sweet messages all throughout the day and night, every text with I miss you and thinking of you. and that didn't end after we had sex, he was still that attentive throughout...heck! I even went to a foreign county just to be with him while he worked. so one would think, surely he wouldn't invite me on a trip if he didn't have actual feelings for me and missing me, right?
well, fast forward to last night, when a friend of mine was looking his picture up online and came across him, his daughter, and another woman photographed at this event back late October (when we are still seeing each other). I had recognized the woman from a photograph I had seen of them last year, so clearly this was someone he was serious about...yet never thought to mention this?
here's the thing...."friends with benefits" you assume the other person does see other people and you accept that cause you're benefiting each other regardless. HOWEVER, this girl was not just another random chick he was seeing, it is quite obvious she's a SERIOUS girlfriend.
furthermore, this guy knew how much I liked him....in fact, I LOVED him. call me crazy, I know! I have no idea why I fell in love with this guy. I think I loved the IDEA of him so much, that my heart just tricked itself into thinking it was full on love.
he knew that I always wanted more, needed more, craved more, begged for me....and he would promise, he'd be able to once a) b) or c) would pan out for him. promising situations would change and things would change for...US.
he's an actor just like my ex boyfriend was....maybe they are just REALLY good at their jobs and can carry it into real life situations? its so tough to understand.
I will never understand why guys lie, why guys cheat, why its so hard for men to be truthful to people they are dating? I will never understand how men can just play with girls' hearts and emotions and for what...for sex???? is all that worth it? all that lying, sneaking, time investing....for sex?????
I know alot of you may say I bring this unto myself with the way I act and present myself, that this is the kind of man and attention I attract....but I don't buy that. I think that's an excuse men make up in their minds to make themselves feel better and the excuse other girls use to dry and bring me down or deter me from being myself.
we've been up and down many times in our "relationship" whatever that is or was. but this was the final straw. when I saw that picture, it literally felt like the air was knocked out of me, my heart fell out of my stomach. and I knew then that I was in this thing too far and too deep and my happiness was relying to much on this man and his empty promises and hopeless texts. I was in love with him and he wasn't with me.....something I knew deep down but didn't want to believe was true or hoped I could change.
the thing is NOW I'm left with a broken heart. I tried my hardest to think like a man, and be happy with what we had, disconnecting emotions and feelings, straying from too emotional of subjects to share with him....but it just didn't work out for me.
I've been through three shattered hearts with my ex boyfriend of 5 years until I had to call it quits because I literally felt like I could DIE of a broken heart the final time....and you know, I've had my heart played with a few times from this guy that have felt similar. but this BROKEN HEART is never gonna heal if I keep putting it into unsafe hands.
this sucks. I literally have no energy to eat, I couldn't sleep one hour last night.
I always pictured myself as Miss Independent, Miss Need-No-Man but then why do I feel like this?
Obviously, the world is not ending and my life isn't over. but its so hard to let go of something that made you SO SO SO happy.
"in the words of a broken heart, its just emotion taking me over..."