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Sunday, June 22, 2014

because I'm happy

happy Sunday my lovely lil angels from God.

I love you all. if no one has told you today that they love you, I'm telling you right now, I LOVE YOU. I love you because you made it to this earth by the grace of God, you are still on this earth and you are going to do amazing things in God's own image and make Him proud. I'm proud of you for making it this far in your life and by simply being in this world, YOU are making it a better place...

now let's talk happiness

today I had an epiphany. I'm happy

well actually I had this epiphany about a week ago when I was in the hospital

I was in the hospital getting all sorts of tests done and no one really telling me what was happening. when you're laying in the hospital, hooked up to an IV, heart rate monitors, and you're freezing, your mind starts to wander.

the first thought was, PLEASE let this nothing be serious. I do NOT want to die. and why don't I want to die? because I am so happy in this life

my life is so far from perfect. anyone who has followed this blog, my youtube channel, my journey, knows I'm in a constant battle with myself

I battle my weight

I battle in my relationships

I battle with mental struggles

I battle with career choices

I battle with life decisions in general

but none of that is a factor on my own happiness. and it's not on you. we all have struggles, struggles do not define you or your well you handle struggles do.

you can get up every morning and allow your struggles to hold you down and keep you in bed or you can choose to be happy and overcome all these obstacles

some battles you'll be fighting the rest of your life but if you are truly happy and CHOOSE TO BE HAPPY, those battles will merely be a speed bump in this journey of life

I'm happy because I'm healthy

I'm happy because my family is always there for me and makes time for me

I'm happy because I have a job that doesn't feel like work at all

I'm happy because I have an amazing amount of support from people I've never met

I'm happy because I make a difference in people's lives by being myself

I'm happy because I have a roof over my head

I'm happy because I have legs that work to be able to walk

I'm happy because my faith in God strengthens everyday

I'm happy because I have friends who truly love me for me

I'm happy because my family is all still on this earth with me

I'm happy to be able to reach so many people

I'm happy because I get to entertain

I could go on and on and on of why I'm happy!!!!!!!!!! but I think you can see my point. there are 50000000 things to be happy about for every 1 struggle you face. focus on the happy and not the sad.

the happy is a choice that YOU CAN CONTROL

you may not be able to control life's struggles but you can control your happiness

choose to be happy today

choose to be happy every morning you wake up

and spread that happy :)))

I LOVE YOU MORE THAN YOU KNOW!!!! and other people out there in this world love you too or are waiting to love you

don't give up! keep going. and "be the change you want to see in the world" ;) 

peace and love my lil angels



Thursday, June 19, 2014

what to do when you're in love with the wrong one?

forgive me in advance for this blog being all over the place....
it's really just a stream of consciousness as of right now

for 1) I can't stop thinking about this boy. I'm in love with a guy who is so CLEARLY and UTTERLY WRONG for me yet I can't stop thinking about him and wishing I could see him. what is wrong with me? he's no good for me and we will never end up together, yet I'm like so infatuated that the thought of cutting him out of my life is even MORE painful then all the torture my heart has already felt through the slow breaking over the course of the past 16 months

I don't love fact, I don't even like easily. so when I like someone, I like HARD. why is this? especially since this guy is not a God, he's kind of just an average guy on the surface yet I look at him like a King that I should just serve no matter how many times I get spat on.

is this weird?? 

I know you may think it's slutty or that I'm sticking around for sex. but I can (and have) gotten sex with people who actually are interested in LONG TERM RELATIONSHIP with me, yet I push them away. guys with jobs, or great status, or endless amount of love poetry sent to my email each morning, I reject.....WHY?!??!?!? SERIOUSLY.what is wrong with me?



am I just unworthy of a great relationship?

sometimes I think my past as a hooker, where I unintentionally could have been ruining relationships this my punishment???? will I have bad relationship karma forever????

God has forgiven me but has the world? has society? has men?

am I forever just a piece of trash in the eyes of men?

2) I'm hungry. I've been on a diet these past couple days and I'm starving. why do we women go through such torturous things such as depriving ourselves of chocolate and food. I went to the movies today and smelled popcorn and CRIED because I couldn't/shouldn't have any. but for what!!?!? WHY AM I DOING THIS?!?!?!?!? why can't I just have a splurge like everyone else???

cause I'm not like everyone else.

I need things in EXCESS. if I get popcorn, I'll need a soda and candy to sweeten the ending. 

if I like a guy, I'll want to have sex with him over and over and over again until he says no more.

if I shop at a mall and see something I like, I can not NOT buy it. I NEED IT

I was addicted to drugs. 

I've abused alcohol

Prescription pills were a major problem growing up

Am I completely mental at this point?

do you ever feel like you're not even a human being???

do you ever feel like you're not living your own life but merely observing it from the outside??????

my head is spinning, these past couple weeks have been literally the most intense weeks of my life. life changing events have occurred

what do you do when you're so confused?

what do I want in this life? to LOVE and be LOVED.

so right now, I'm just lost...lost in my head

on the outside, my life is seemingly together, in the inside, I want to scream!

but alas, I shall pray.

will you pray for me as well? I will put you in my prayers along with any special requests


I need to remind myself of this constantly

who has advice???

I'm so willing to listen.

"let he who is without sin cast the first stone"

please be kind. do not judge. but help one another <3




be happy in the now. 

I was in love with the wrong one before and I stayed in it for years because it made me happy. I knew we would not be together in the long run but I didn't care because I had so much fun with him, so much passion, animal attraction that couldn't be kept apart by all the force in the world. one day he didn't give me a rush anymore. sooner or later, he won't make you happy anymore. those butterflies will disappear. that's when you know you can move on and still live your life with no love regrets

I'm in love once again with Mr. Wrong but Mr. Wrong is all I think about and all I want. I go out with other guys and this Mr. Wrong is the only person I'm thinking of. Mr. Wrong's texts make me giddy, make me excited. I push myself to be amazing to prove I am worthy of Mr. Wrong. Mr. Wrong could fizzle but as of now, I just love him. it seems I'm Mrs. Wrong for everyone I have met, so who knows? this could be a match made in Wrongville :) sometimes being wrong is right.....

that's life.

i had a date tonight with someone I know through a mutual friend. yet, I choose to stay at home because there's no sparks.

life is too short to waste love on anything less than passionate, amazing, can't wait to touch, won't resist chemistry

"It's not very easy, living all alone, my friends try and tell me, find a man of my own
But each time I try, I just break down and cry
Cause I'd rather be home feeling blue..."

Sunday, June 1, 2014




2 EASY STEPS :))))
1.) sign up for a free EBATES account
2.) leave a comment on RAFFLECOPTER telling me why you want to win

must be 18 or over

contest ends June 16, 2014

winners will be announced on this blog post on that date. check back soon! and good luck