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Sunday, December 1, 2013

My First Perfume!!! Trish by Trisha Paytas - LIMITED EDITION

it's here!!! it's finally here!!!! we started on this project over a year ago and we finally produced this little, pretty, pink baby.

I describe the scent as sensual cotton candy. like a seductive circus. lol. it smells like it does when you walk in to a Victoria's Secret store eating a sugar cookie to me and I DIE for it. its super sweet and the actual perfume liquid is PINK itself!!! we had to go through many a production teams to be able to get this liquid the right shade of pink. fragrance manufactured in the good ol USofA!!!!

put all my time and effort, blood, sparkles, and tears into this....its literally the thing I'm most proud of to date!!!! I love perfume and feel so blessed to have my very own fragrance.

Trish by Trisha Paytas is exclusively sold here

it is LIMITED EDITION and will SELL OUT!!! once its sold out, it will be gone FOREVER!!!!!

Monday, November 25, 2013

accidental broken heart

so I woke up this morning with puffy under circles from crying my eyeballs out last night. and the thing is, if you would've asked me what this guy was to me, I would've said just a friend...I don't know how I got this emotionally attached.

I met this guy online back in March of this year. he was literally my DREAM man as far as looks, personality, charm, demeanor, overall human being was concern. now we were NEVER serious. I could've told you that then, during, and even now but somehow I still found myself falling in love with this guy who didn't REALLY care about me. I'm sure he liked being around me to a certain extent but we weren't like "lets meet the family" dating if you know what I mean.

so whatever, maybe we were friends with benefits, but I've had this kind of relationship with many a men and when it was over, it was over. or if I wasn't happy in it, I'd leave or him vice versa.

with this one, it was different....

let me preface this a little by saying I did know of this man before he knew of me, if that makes sense. so I had a little bit of that schoolgirl crush prior to him knowing me or my existence. but again, I've lived in LA for 7 years and this has never fogged my mind the way it had these past 9 months.

he was very sweet and kind and overly attentive at the beginning. sweet messages all throughout the day and night, every text with I miss you and thinking of you. and that didn't end after we had sex, he was still that attentive throughout...heck! I even went to a foreign county just to be with him while he worked. so one would think, surely he wouldn't invite me on a trip if he didn't have actual feelings for me and missing me, right?

well, fast forward to last night, when a friend of mine was looking his picture up online and came across him, his daughter, and another woman photographed at this event back late October (when we are still seeing each other). I had recognized the woman from a photograph I had seen of them last year, so clearly this was someone he was serious about...yet never thought to mention this?

here's the thing...."friends with benefits" you assume the other person does see other people and you accept that cause you're benefiting each other regardless. HOWEVER, this girl was not just another random chick he was seeing, it is quite obvious she's a SERIOUS girlfriend.

furthermore, this guy knew how much I liked fact, I LOVED him. call me crazy, I know! I have no idea why I fell in love with this guy. I think I loved the IDEA of him so much, that my heart just tricked itself into thinking it was full on love.

he knew that I always wanted more, needed more, craved more, begged for me....and he would promise, he'd be able to once a) b) or c) would pan out for him. promising situations would change and things would change for...US.

he's an actor just like my ex boyfriend was....maybe they are just REALLY good at their jobs and can carry it into real life situations? its so tough to understand. 

I will never understand why guys lie, why guys cheat, why its so hard for men to be truthful to people they are dating? I will never understand how men can just play with girls' hearts and emotions and for what...for sex???? is all that worth it? all that lying, sneaking, time investing....for sex?????

I know alot of you may say I bring this unto myself with the way I act and present myself, that this is the kind of man and attention I attract....but I don't buy that. I think that's an excuse men make up in their minds to make themselves feel better and the excuse other girls use to dry and bring me down or deter me from being myself.


we've been up and down many times in our "relationship" whatever that is or was. but this was the final straw. when I saw that picture, it literally felt like the air was knocked out of me, my heart fell out of my stomach. and I knew then that I was in this thing too far and too deep and my happiness was relying to much on this man and his empty promises and hopeless texts. I was in love with him and he wasn't with me.....something I knew deep down but didn't want to believe was true or hoped I could change.

the thing is NOW I'm left with a broken heart. I tried my hardest to think like a man, and be happy with what we had, disconnecting emotions and feelings, straying from too emotional of subjects to share with him....but it just didn't work out for me.

I've been through three shattered hearts with my ex boyfriend of 5 years until I had to call it quits because I literally felt like I could DIE of a broken heart the final time....and you know, I've had my heart played with a few times from this guy that have felt similar. but this BROKEN HEART is never gonna heal if I keep putting it into unsafe hands.

this sucks. I literally have no energy to eat, I couldn't sleep one hour last night. 

I always pictured myself as Miss Independent, Miss Need-No-Man but then why do I feel like this? 

Obviously, the world is not ending and my life isn't over. but its so hard to let go of something that made you SO SO SO happy.


"in the words of a broken heart, its just emotion taking me over..."

Friday, November 22, 2013

A Blonde's Thoughts On....Of Mice and Men

"when she was shoving her legs around, you weren't looking the other way neither"

okay, so I'm not going to get all American Lit on you in this blog, I mean I loved English class and reading and creative writing and all that junk but I LOATHED talking about themes, foreshadowing, deeper meanings, symbolism, blah blah like so totally ruined the enjoyment of reading, like you know what I mean? like, for sure!

hahaha ANYWAYYYY...

don't let your senior thesis paper take the joy out of just reading books!!!! I LOOOOOOOVED "Of Mice and Men" when we read it in high school. We had a kick ass teacher, who was super hot, and told us whatever answers we gave, we were right because reading is subjective! I LOVED THAT. and in turn, understood the book SO much better because the teach would give us the textbook answers of what was what but also every student added their own interpretation.

so here's mine...

1) I will say I enjoyed the movie 10x better than the book! maybe that's the blonde in me or the horny teenager in me (John Malkovich and Gary Sinise sweating doing hard labor....HOTTTTTTTT) but I've always been more visual, not to say the book wasn't GENIUS...cause it is.

anyway, its about George and Lenny, two friends in the depression era who travel together and look for work together. Lenny is slow and very off and it frustrates George but he keeps em around because a) he promised Lenny's family he would and b) he admits he gets lonely....don't we all? their friendship is more of a brother bond and I LOVE that. they are ride or die. and while I don't want to give away spoilers, their relationship will bring you to tears on multiple occasions!

now getting technical, the "themes" of this book are all very brilliant and still resonate so strong to today in 2013. the main ones being loneliness, isolation, and relationships and how each one could help you or destroy you. I, for one, like to be in isolation, doesn't mean I'm lonely but I do get bouts of loneliness. if I didn't force myself to go to my cooking class or visit my family who live 3 hours out of town, I would go crazy. as much as I love being by myself, human existence is based on being around other people. in the case of "Of Mice and Men", being around other people is both a bonding experience, a growing experience, and a life changing experience for the good, the bad and the ugly. in the book and movie you can see themes of good vs. evil and those who try to be good but can't, no matter how hard they try. "Of Mice and Men" is not suppose to be the fool good book of the year but rather be reflective of the lives we are living, the relationships we build, and what we are doing for or to others. are we building each other up or just trying to bring others down to get ahead in life?

there are more "themes" to discuss but I want to leave it up to YOUR interpretation. if you've already read the book, let me know how you read it. if you haven't, please download it on your kindle right now! its amazing! and if you're not a reader, download the movie off of itunes, you won't regret it.

what books do YOU recommend? were there any other I may have sparknoted by way through high school? I love revisiting classic literature now that I'm not going to be tested on it afterward ;)

anyway, that's my random babble for the day. different for me, I know but I've just been loving this book lately and wanted to share!

have a blessed Friday and a happy weekend :)


Saturday, October 26, 2013

You're Here for a Reason!

this blog was inspired by a follower of mine on twitter, a beautiful girl who tweeted me a picture of her self harm wounds healing. her exact tweet was "I am stopping for you and they're starting to heal. Youre such an inspiration to me Trisha, thank you"

now I'm writing this blog because I was literally in tears from reading her tweet and seeing her cuts. I'm not in tears because I helped her but more because she did that to herself thinking she wasn't good enough, or deserving enough, of love, life or whatever issues she is/was dealing with.

I spent some time looking at her twitter, this girl looks happy, is absolutely stunning, and it just broke my heart for her that she would want to do that to herself. the bright side, she has STOPPED cutting and that means so much to me. her wounds are healing but that means so is she as a person. that brought even more tears to my eyes.

I'm not sure how specifically I helped her but I'm so glad I could and she inspired me to write this blog to maybe help others even if thats just 1 other....

and I met another girl at my book signing in Toronto back in August who had a similar story. again, I won't say names or go into specifics but she was a former cutter who also took a little time in knowing that she was worthy of AMAZING things.

know this......EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US ON EARTH ARE HERE FOR A REASON. there are NO accidents in Gods world. there are no coincidences.


look, I've never been suicidal nor have I self harmed, so I can't pretend to know what you're feeling. but I have been severely depressed in life, I've been on medications for depression, I've self medicated with drugs in the past, so I know what low feels like. I was a prostitute for 3 years of my life, ended up in the hospital twice from drugs, my body has been used and abused, I've never been one to have alot of friends, no genuine boyfriends, just people who want want want and take take take from me.

but you know what kept ME going? was knowing I was put on this earth for a reason. I knew in my heart, I was meant to do something great with my life. that these dark times were just temporary, I couldn't see the light but I had FAITH that it was there.....and I'm telling you once you catch a glimpse of that light, every struggle you've had will be worth it and you'll understand WHY. you may not understand it right now but you will, I promise.

we all have our crosses to bare in this world. Jesus carried the cross he was crucified on, don't forget that.

and don't let anyone tell you your problems are insignificant. just because there are kids actually starving in Africa or dying of aids, doesn't make your problems any less tough or difficult. cope with them in a healthy way. talk to adults, seek counseling, going to church helped me tremendously, meditate, find an activity you enjoy doing.....whatever it is, you will get through.

you have to put up with a little rain if you want to see the rainbow

and remember:


if you are currently self harming....PLEASE STOP. if you feel nobody loves you or wants you, they do. maybe somebody is out there waiting to give you unconditional love you don't feel you currently have. please have patience. nothing is more selfish than taking your own life. suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. the people you leave behind will be devastated, its not fair when so many people love you, even if you don't realize it. know that I love you and God loves you. I pray for every single one of you each night. I do. when I say my prayers, I pray that the people who read this blog, follow me on social media, helped me achieve this happiness I'm living now will find the same happiness in their lives. and I KNOW God will provide that for you.

happiness is easy to find if you realize what happiness is.

its not about being the prettiest, the skinniest, the most popular, the happiness is a choice you make everyday. even in my current state of living my dreams, I've had problems and headaches, everything from lawsuits to stalking but you know what, I don't let that get me down either.....I wake up EVERY SINGLE MORNING and say Trish, you're up another day, thank the Lord for that by praying and doing something positive with it.





more information on suicide help

Toll-Free/24 hours a day/7 days a week

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Weapons of Mass DISTRACTION

this may not be my most insightful blog I've ever written but its whats on my mind right now...

so last night I went to CVS (drugstore/pharmacy here in America if you don't know) and I really just threw on some jeans and the sleep shirt I was already wearing cause it was late, threw my hair up in a top knot, and literally zero makeup and went. I felt almost embarrassed that I was going out in public like I just felt so homeless and just not cute but I'm like whatever, I need toilet paper, milk, and chapstick and i need it know?

let me tell you ladies, clearly THIS is the outfit/look you need to go for if you're looking for male attention haha.

okay, well maybe just any outfit without a bra but you catch my drift ;)

like I love attention from the opposite sex but not the crude and crass kind that comes from late night CVS shoppers. it was around 10 pm and not 1, not 2, but a total of FOUR different men followed me around and attempted to hit on me

Potential Suitor #1 - this guy kind of creeped me out from the beginning. I was in the Halloween candy aisle and I saw him coming up behind me, so I slowly started to make my way out of the aisle without being obvious that I'm leaving cause he joined that section. as I lingered to look at the crappy candy at the end, he said something like "what kind of candy are you getting"? ugh, eyeroll, I'm like, "I don't know just looking" and then he's all "are you single"? and me being a crazy ass just not having time for this I was like "YES. but I have 5 kids at home" hoping he would be turned off by this (he was probably like my age so I assumed that'd creep him out) but instead he was like, "thats cool, I'd love to meet them" BWHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< whaaaa?!??! RED FLAG. who the fuck says I want to meet your 5 kids after a 1 minute conversation at the drugstore? I was like "Yeah, I just don't have any free time and my cell phone service just got shut off" and like that I QUICKLY creeped away. just fyi potential suitor #1 came back around like 10 minutes after this encounter and stalked me to the toilet paper section and said I had a "cute smile" and again, I quickly darted away. he found me AGAIN and asked me for a hug, I gave him one but never in my life has a hug ever made me feel dirtier. 

Potential Suitor #2 - okay so this guy was a drive by. like he literally zoomed in and zoomed out just as quick as I rejected him. I saw him perving out by taking weird cell phone pics of me while I was looking at the milk. he was being such a douche from the beginning. he came over and said "I like your shirt" eyeroll, again. I was like "thanks" he goes on "it looks like it fits you really well" and I'm like "haha thank you" and he then says "I was kidding, its super tight fitting" and then I was all, "oh haha, I didn't get it, I'm extremely tired" he asked for a hug and then he pushed right then and there for the number and I said, "sorry I'm married" and he just said "yeah right, whatever" and walked away <<<<<<<<<< DOUCHE

Potential Suitor #3 - this was Mr. Persistent. I had seen him a few times, non coincidentally walking around as well. he was on the phone but kept following me. still in the milk aisle, he comes over. he's a fit, black dude, nice skin, smells good, whatever. he was very handsome and polite. he actually TALKED to me for a good 5 or 6 minutes but then he asked for my number, I was like "i don't know" and he's like "I teach yoga, maybe you can come to a class" and I'm like, "Um I don't like to workout" and he said something SO rude, I can't remember what but he's like "well you should" or something like that. needless to say, I did not give him my number, I just said "I'm gonna go" and he's like yelling after me "IT WAS A JOKE" in the store, so fact, one of the employees asked me if he was bothering me. ugh, he was now.

Potential Suitor #4 - winner winner chicken dinner. So this guy, unlike the others, was way more type. He was sweet and kind and middle aged. lol I think you can tell by the first 3 men why I don't prefer young boys, they're obnoxious and rude. so this guy, came over right when I was getting ready to check out. to be honest, I was a little rude to him because I kind of had had it at this point...can you blame me? like I literally felt like I was being molested and eye raped and was not really asking for it but whatever. so this guy started it out like a typical douche "I don't normally do this......." and whatever. he said he got off the phone so he could talk to me. he made eye contact the entire time. I was a little snotty and was like, "um, yeah you're like the 4th guy to come hit on me tonight, I get it, I'm not wearing a bra...." blah blah blah. but he went in for the home run, when he said, "no, its your face, you have like a perfect symmetrical face, its just so beautiful" <<<<<<<<<<< DING DING DING. that, gentlemen, is how you score with a chick. I totally gushed cause he was SUPER handsome, a jack wagner type, just so yum. needless to say we exchanged numbers. he actually asked for my email first if I felt comfortable, I said, let me just give you my card! hahahahah


point of this blog? not much other than, tits get you noticed. take from that what you will. if you want attention, show em....if you don't, you better duck tape those suckers down into a sportsbra and hide them under a sweatshirt and a wool jacket! 

oh men, such simple creatures, aren't they?

that was my monday night, how was yours?




Sunday, October 20, 2013

sunday morning coming down

happy sunday lil kumquats!

were you sinners last night?...well don't forget to repent today at mass!!! lol jk. I'm not gonna shove my religion down your throat....well not on this blog...on this day anyway ;) 

but really, if you're struggling in life or even if you're not, church is an AMAZING way to recharge your soul for the week. I prefer to go to night mass but they have services throughout the day on sundays usually

I'm telling you, there is no way to explain the energy and fulfillment I get when going to church. during my darkest times, it turned me around. when I needed a miracle most, He provided one for me. I'm telling you, I've WITNESSED 2 miracles in my 25 years on this earth.....real, unexplainable, illogical miracles....something only GOD would ever be capable of providing.

my life is no accident. I'm not here to be ordinary. you are not here to just get by. we were all created to be EXTRAORDINARY. so don't waste this life. don't waste this day.

remember to ALWAYS give thanks for what you have! what if you woke up today with only the things you thanked God for last night????????

also, if you are struggling and life seems to just keep getting you down, please don't forget we all have our crosses to bare just as Jesus had. suffering here on earth is a part of the process of getting to heaven. I believe sometimes those that suffer the most here, get to heaven the fastest! 


okay, so I kind of forced my religion in this vlog, didn't I? well not so much forced as pushed.....because sometimes all we need is that little extra push.

even if you weren't brought up religious, its never too late to discover it.

my religion SAVED me in so many ways, none of you could ever understand. but believe me, I should not be alive right now....only by the grace of God am I still here. and I humbly get ON MY KNEES, morning, day and night to thank Him for that.

if you don't want to go to church, I encourage you all to at least try prayer....or baby steps it with just some silent meditation today, see if anything calls to you. I PROMISE you it'll change your life, maybe not today, but it will.....PROMISE

keep the faith, lovebugs!




Saturday, October 19, 2013

Sex and the Single Girl

hi all. so its saturday night and I just got paid...but not laid. lol

okay so lets talk sex.

casual sex can be fun but it loses its appeal after awhile, right??? I mean I've been single for almost 18 months now (omg a YEAR AND A HALF?!?!?) but obvi, I'm a 25 year old girl with needs and well, lets face it, my acrylic nails are not the best for a party of one playtime ;) 

anyway. I've been having this fling with this hotttt guy but he's kind of an asshole (amazing sex but whatever) how much do we really let guys get away with for amazing sex? for me, its ALOT. I put up with alot of shit because its SO hard for me to find someone I'm sexually attracted to and compatible with. like I'm actually VERY pick when it comes to sex. I don't have sex with anybody that doesn't give me butterflies. I'm not talking the "I'm in love with you lets get married" butterflies but more of the "I can't wait to rip off your clothes" butterflies (but honesty time, its usually a little bit of both for me)

I am a VERY emotional and easily attached person. if I like somebody, I LIIIIIIIIKE them. you know? I find myself getting attached to guys WAY too easily when I know its just a fling or whatever. so what do we do, single ladies of legal age?

well for me, I think I figured this out....

this gentlemen is about twice my age (which I find INCREDIBLY hot and naughty ;)), the fact that he's older than my dad is just RAWR, I'm a freak, but whatever. you knew that ;) but the problem with MOST older men/younger chix relationship is they see you as just fun, just a piece of ass....

now you have 2 options when you come to the realization you're just a toy....

1) cut it off cold. don't get hurt anymore than you already have (chances are YOU really liked him and thought it could be serious, he just didn't)


2) keep going with it BUT detaching completely. easier said than done but here's the trick....

to detach your emotions to a guy you thought were in love with but realized it was just lust can be more simple than you think; 

KEEP YOUR OPTIONS OPEN - cause lets face it, amazing sex is better than no sex, am I right? you don't want to be super slutty because that's just bad for your health (multiple partners increases your risk of disease, condoms or no condoms) BUT don't shut out potential daters. if you find yourself going on dates and wanting to get to that level of being intimate DUMP YOUR FLING FIRST. nothing is worse than banging all these guys at messes with your head, heart and body.....its no good for YOU! take it from a former super slut, this will only end up hurting your soul in the end.

DON'T CANCEL PLANS FOR HIM - oh girl, let me tell you, I use to wait by the phone all hours of the day and night hoping to get a text from loverboy. I would not go out with girlfriends, cancel shoots, and all this other crazy stuff in hopes that he might call and want to hook up. BIG MISTAKE. this leads you to feeling rejected and irritated when he doesn't call. you'll find yourself stalking his twitter, finding out he was at a bar last saturday night and you drunk texting him calling him terrible names. don't do this to yourself. go out and have fun. if he really wants to keep getting your goodies, he will just have to make plans with you like everybody else 

AVOID HIM ON SOCIAL MEDIA - don't facebook friend him or follow him on instagram. chances are you may read way too into something that may or may not actually be there. the less you know about your fling's personal and professional life the better. keep it simple, keep it safe. 

oh single ladies, its not easy for us is it? society and dating has become this whole other monster really. all guys want is ass and girls want it too, but why can't we get the cuddling with it? and if you want a real committed relationship in LA or really any major city, good luck sister. haha. if I'm not in a serious relationship by this time next year, I'm moving to Alaska to find me a fisherman (plus I hear the male to female ratio up there is INSANELY in our favor ;))

hope this late night, wine-induced rambling was helpful to some....or at least entertaining. editing my life away on tomorrow's video....working on a saturday night, yep, I'm definitely an adult, a boring old adult. yay!



Thursday, October 17, 2013

Thank You.

I woke up this morning to the above image on my computer. #1 on Amazon's Movers and Shakers and I just could hardly breathe.

I stared at my screen for probably 10 minutes, just smiling and then I found tears coming out of my eyes. These past 3 or 4 weeks have been filled with sleepless nights and a ton of emotions....there is no real reason or justification for this, I can't figure it out. I just feel excited all the time. Like everyday is Christmas morning, its as if my excitement for the next day of my life is so overwhelming, I don't want to sleep, I just want to experience the day.

When I die, one thing can be certain, I lived my life to the fullest and I did it MY WAY (hats off Mr. Sinatra) seriously, this life of mine has not been perfect by any means but its so much fun and its just so amazing that I wake up every morning, get on my knees and thank God for giving me breath another day. There is so much good in this world, its just overwhelming at times.

Now....this morning, I started tearing up because "The Stripper Diaries" is a book transcribed/published in probably what is now the best time of my life, ironically, translating the worst time in my life. When I was sent a copy to proof, I couldn't even make it through the whole book. When I was transcribing it, I was drinking heavily (I never had a problem with alcohol, its just something I do to numb sometimes....but very rarely) I would drink while transcribing because I didn't want to feel any emotion. As soon as I started proof reading it (off of alcohol cause I've been watching my calories) - I couldn't help but start feeling the EXACT feelings/emotions I had in the moment I actually wrote these entries. It was almost as if it was a dream, I was being suffocated, captured, tormented, just like I was back then. I couldn't get through the whole thing. I asked for a second round of editing while still keeping my emotion and my writing style. There are many drug induced entries and it just broke MY heart to think I could have ever been so low.....and I did it to myself :(

But YOU all have lifted me up. I started youtube on January 3, 2007. I made videos to channel creativity. I made videos to entertain myself. I made videos to be happy. Never knowing that youtube would become such a big part of my life.....but much more, never knowing that complete strangers would become an extended part of my family.

I now have over 450,000 family members fishys!!!! My fishys are so supportive and loving....something I haven't experienced a lot in my real life. My dad was always a hard ass on me, trying to force me to do things his way and never listening to me growing up. My mom was more of a friend who was on the opposite end of the spectrum, showing not alot of guidance I so desperately needed in figuring out my life. My brother and sister so consumed with their own lives growing up, focused on school. In my family, I have always been known as the "loose cannon" and just last week my brother said to me, "who knew you'd be the one to have her life together" hahaha. I'm not 100% sure what that means, I think its more of just like, I KNOW what I want to do, I'm doing what I LOVE to do, I'm self sufficient and happy and really, literally LIVING MY DREAM. how many people can say that?

but no matter how much talent a person has, how much drive a person has, in the world of entertainment, your success is dependent upon your "fans"

now if you followed me for awhile you know I don't like the term "fans" because I don't feel like I do anything worthy of "fans". I don't sing or dance, I'm not an actress or a great writer, I'm just Trish. but alot of you have pointed out to me that the term "fan" can just mean admirer or supporter or both. You support what I'm doing and you admire something about me....and you know what, instead of fighting, I humbly accept that Trish has some "fans' hahaha. and I hope you know, I truly genuinely appreciate every single one of you....even the fishheads aka my haters.

When I go to bed at night, I pray for you all...that you may all find the happiness in life that you have brought to me. You have got me noticed by people who wouldn't have otherwise given me a second glance in Hollywood without the built in "fanbase".....

I know NONE of this would have been possible without YOU. and for continued success, I need YOU. so I only hope I can continue to entertain, inspired, encourage, etc anyway I possibly can because its truly what I LOVE.

its ironic that "The Stripper Diaries" video series on my youtube channel and now the book are my most popular. But now I'm beginning to see the real journey God has been putting me on from the beginning.

I went through ALOT of bullshit in my life, made MANY mistakes, and suffered the consequences. Now that I have a young group of girls' attention, I think its most important to be as real as I possibly can. If "The Stripper Diaries" is vulgar to you, I had to make it intense to convey the intensity of the real world of the sex industry, to sugar coat anything, would have been doing a disservice for my purpose right now. 

In conclusion, I am not a perfect person. I'm not extra special or extra ordinary. People often chastise me for being overtly sexual in nature or sometimes a tad crude for being a "role model". Well, I'll tell you this, I never asked to be a role model and if that title was thrusted upon me or girls think of me as one, then I want to be a role model because I am true to TRISH. I am myself and do not care no cave in to what people wish I was or want me to be. I dress too slutty for you? Don't look at me. I act too crazy for you? Don't watch me. 


theres just no way I'll ever be able to express the gratitude I have for each of you. there's no way I'll ever be able to pay back all the happiness you have brought to me. 

know that I am here for you. I do care for each of you as fans, followers, online friends, family, and human beings. 


for making "The Stripper Diaries" #1 on amazon


for loving me unconditionally, despite some of the outlandish things I do


for not juding.


for being there for me day after time.


for your support.


for your love.


for making my dreams a reality.


I sincerely do. and from the bottom of my heart I wish you nothing but love and happiness in your life. know that positivity feeds positivity. so keep spreading the love and it will all come back to you <3



Tuesday, July 9, 2013


"Someday a real rain will come and wash all this scum off the streets"

so I posted this photo on instagram yesterday and alot of people didn't know who travis bickle was on my shirt. and thats okay, cause like its an old movie, so its not like I'm going to shame you for not knowing. in fact, if it wasn't for my high school biology teacher I wouldn't know half the movies I do....he was such a cool guy. got me hooked on deniro my freshman year. started with deer hunter, mean streets, cape fear and raging bull, but when I saw taxi driver it was over for me.

so the movie "taxi driver" is probably my all time favorite movie, DEFINITELY top 3. its like taxi driver, pulp fiction, and american psycho....yeah I don't know if I'm really a chick either. I digress....

so taxi driver is a movie by Martin Scorsese starring Robert DeNiro, Harvey Keitel, and a very young Jodie Foster. the movie itself is entertaining, super gritty, sad, and funny at times. like its definitely a solid movie to just watch, to just have on your que, you know???

but for me, it was always so much more than a movie. for one, I always related to the character of Travis. this is a guy, right, a veteran, who takes a job as a taxi driver to just sort of keep his mind occupied, do something with his time at night. and Travis is perceived as this lonely guy. theres even a line in the movie along the lines of "I'm Gods lonely man" and I just always related to this. like I'm someone who enjoys "me" time, I like to be alone rather than around a bunch of people but being alone ALL the time is not healthy (its why I've forced myself to go out more as of recent years) but the thing is, you go out and you wonder why am I out? you start seeing how fucked up people in this world are.

travis encounters this girl betsy. she works as a political campaign supporter and she's super shallow and superficial, "cold" I guess you could say.

travis likes her but she's sort of that super "bitch" she's too good for him, he takes her to this porno and she gets all offended, they don't mesh with the jokes, whatever. he makes a few social faux paus and its like he's this monster to her. she like, sort of blows him off, he's like WTF? back to be lonely. whatever. I get this too. its like if you're not fucking perfect to somebody, its like thats their excuse to write you off, first date, bye. IDK. people in this world are just shallow. to me, betsy is the epitome of the shallow fucks in this world, who don't give people chances. not just for dating, but people in general, human beings, you know?

okay so, not trying to giveaway anything here (but the ending of this movie is just BAD FUCKING ASS all the way)

so travis continues driving his taxi and this child prostitute hops in his cab. so like up to this point, travis has encountered some shady people in his taxis backseat, including a sadistic martin scorsese playing a scorned (or psychotic) lover. this girl gets in kind of like high or whatever and then she gets taken out. he meets her pimp and sees how unhappy she is....and is like, I gotta do something about this.

now this is like your modern day superhero. right? like he's taken it upon himself to go clean up the streets of new york. like whats he got to lose? he hates the government, he holds resentment for his country, and he's just lonely and miserable so he might as well help some people out.

I know you might be thinking....but trish, like, you relate to this guy? like he's a sociopath. but in a way, I find him to be human. its a movie, first of all, but even so, after working for pimps and in brothels, whore houses, escort agencies, strip clubs, you encounter the same kind of trash travis does in his taxi. its like a confessional being a taxi driver as is being a hooker or whatever. like people just think you're pretty fucked up but safe so they can just spill all their fucked up issues with you.

mind you, when I was in high school watching this movie, I didn't think of myself as becoming a worker in the sex industry but I did have visions of being a taxi driver because of this movie. in hopes that I could help people who needed it.


this is a good film to watch. like everyone I talk to, gets SOMETHING out of it. maybe they don't relate to travis bickle the way I did (or lust after Sport the way a pubescent trish did) but theres alot of themes and underlying messages for all you english majors out there. lol.

its not a feel good movie and thats why I like it. today, every movie has to have a happy ending, a fairytale romance, good looking people in stupid unrealistic situations.

also, I grew up in the suburbs of chicago, farm towns in IL, so I guess the idea of this all happening in the world was almost fantasy enough for me. it exposed me to something I had never seen.

if you're a fan of DeNiro or Scorsese, its a MUST SEE.

and it is violent, graphic, and explicit language so obviously, be prepared for that.

but IDK man, wanted to share this with you all. I just couldn't fit all this in a 140 character tweet now, could I?


have you seen "taxi driver"????? what were your thoughts on it???

I'm not crazy, I swear (says the crazy person in the room)



Monday, June 17, 2013

a dream is a wish your heart makes....

good day everyone!

I woke up from a dream at noon today (yes noon, I went back to sleep cause I got up to early, needed it, don't judge me) and it was a dream that I was a real life disney princess. I remember everything being so sparkly and I was living in a castle and I never saw my prince but I can recall everyone including my mom and my sister telling me how wonderful he was and how blessed I got.

I have no idea what the dream meant, if anything, probably nothing but it made me happy. in my bedroom, I even had one of those big wardrobes like Belle had when she was with the beast and it was filled with the most beautiful gowns.

so needless to say, my mood is so great right now.

it just reminded me of when I was a little girl, didn't we all want to be Ariel or Jasmine? to have the happily ever after where you no longer had to worry about anything but looking pretty and being in love? 

fairtytales aren't real life, I know this but its fun to dream about

I use to love to go to Medieval Times because it was the greatest escape from reality for me, like it felt like I was living in an alternate universe. same thing goes for DisneyLand and even Universal Studios, its the land of make believe I always wanted to live in.

in a way, my youtube channel, blog, twitter, instagram is another make believe world for me. I understand that its not the real world but it makes me happy nonetheless. I can connect to different worlds and inspire girls the way Ariel or Jasmine inspired me, in the sense that not everything is perfect but if you want something enough, wish for it enough, your dreams can come true.

the main point of this, is to tell you to never stop following your heart! 

our brains can tell us one thing but I've learned that our heart knows what is best.

I quit college TWICE because even though logic told me it would be a good route for me, my heart told me thats not what I'm meant to do or be.

I wanted it more.....

and so should you.

never settle in life.

I want my Prince Charming. 

as Dolly Parton once sang "I refuse to settle for something less than great, and if it takes a lifetime, then thats how long I'll wait...."

you are meant for great things.

DON'T WASTE THIS LIFE! its so precious and you only have one!

to quote another one of my favorite little disney diddies from newsises "now is the time to seize the day!"

"when you wish upon a star, your dreams come true"




thanks to @L_A_ART on twitter for the photo art pictured above :) 

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

self sabotage

good evening readers....I blog when I have a lot on my mind, when I need to get something off my chest in order to fully move forward.

over the past couple days so many of you have detected sadness in my tweets regarding love and wishing me happiness over a recent breakup. well the thing is - it wasn't really a breakup as much as it was a wakeup.

for the past 4 months, I became emotionally invested in a guy who had very little (or what turned out to be hardly nothing) invested in me. at first I was ANGRY, how could he not want me? love me? care for me? and then I became hurt that he would lead me on, lie to me, pretend to care about me. when finally I realized it was sadness within myself, that I continue to do this to myself....self sabotage as I like to call it.

I have no problem finding guys who want to take me out, sleep with me, date me, for some reason, I've always had lots of guys around me and I would go out with lots of guys because its rare for me to find ONE that can hold my interest. I get bored with them in general.

back in January, I started "seeing" this guy who would take me out to nice meals, take me on vacations, wine tastings, everything I loved doing. we would talk on the phone for hours and I would makeout with him every once in awhile but never really wanted to do the sexual stuff with him as I thought it would ruin how special he treated me.

fast forward to a few months into that "friendship" and I meet this other guy...who is basically prince charming to me on the outside. he's someone I've admired for a long time without actually KNOWING him. he's handsome and talented and I was more than shocked when we started talking. but believe me, at the time, I felt like I won the lottery, like the luckiest girl in the world! it was surreal.

immediately, being the hopeless romantic, blinded by things that shine, trish that I am....I was just like ohmygosh, he is perfect, I found him, he's wonderful, I love him.

I do this very rarely. but when I do, its always fast. I always start intense feelings right away and get really attached. the last guy I did this with, strung me along for five years. but at least with him, he showed me some reciprocation that he felt the same.

I found alot of similarities in these two....they texted me multiple times a day, told me I much they missed me, needed me, it FEELS good to hear...but actions weren't always the same.

I'm a girl who is actually OKAY with casual relationships, as long as its CLEAR its casual but alas I find these guys who are so convincing with what they say, it makes me feel like its real, like its something more.

I remember even asking him at the beginning "you wanna be my bootycall?" and I specifically remember him saying "I wanna be more" ugh. BULLSHIT. 

so you see, I get mad at myself for being stupid or blinded. but the thing is, he never SHOWED me that's what he wanted. I hear what I wanna hear. see what I wanna see. so I wasn't stupid or blind, I was just allowing this to happen.

all the while, the guy who was being a total gentlemen to me since January finds out and no longer wants to talk to me.

now I wonder, do I do this kind of stuff on purpose? do I seek the guy who I KNOW will break my heart? do I try to find a way to end all healthy relationships in my life and keep the ones I know will explode?

if any of you read my book, one of the main themes is abandonment with men in my life.

I recognize it. heck for $200/hour that was the first thing my therapist recognized. 

but I can't seem to break the pattern.

guys continue to come in and out of my life....

and its because I LET them.

I can never let go. its hard for me to do so.

I wish I had a life lesson or something to help YOU overcome self sabotage. but I don't. in fact, I just needed to write this out, visualize it, and move forward....

this time moving forward with MYSELF first and no guys.

even if you're attached to something that turned out to be something it wasn't, just know it was real to you and it takes time to get over those feelings.

I've overcome ALOT in my life. it took years for me to break out of the sex industry because of the money it offered and the attention it gave me...but I found strength to get through.

now I need the same strength to get through toxic relationships I put myself in.

I hope this blog doesn't come off as self deprecating. I've always said my life is pretty great....I have great friends and family, an awesome job, money to buy the things I both need and want...but I don't have lasting intimate relationships. Its such a hard thing for me to understand why I can't. 

the one thing I do KNOW for sure. the one guy who will never ever leave me Jesus Christ is still by my side.

there has never been anything I couldn't accomplish through Him. sometimes He heals you quick and moves you along and sometimes it takes a little patience to realize how He is guiding you.

I've been going to daily mass again and its been doing wonders for my soul.

I pray to God that I allow myself to find happiness and love and to stop self sabotaging myself because I know what I deserve in this life.

I hope you realize what you deserve as well.

we were meant to live extraordinary lives, so go out and do just that :)