self sabotage

good evening readers....I blog when I have a lot on my mind, when I need to get something off my chest in order to fully move forward.

over the past couple days so many of you have detected sadness in my tweets regarding love and wishing me happiness over a recent breakup. well the thing is - it wasn't really a breakup as much as it was a wakeup.

for the past 4 months, I became emotionally invested in a guy who had very little (or what turned out to be hardly nothing) invested in me. at first I was ANGRY, how could he not want me? love me? care for me? and then I became hurt that he would lead me on, lie to me, pretend to care about me. when finally I realized it was sadness within myself, that I continue to do this to myself....self sabotage as I like to call it.

I have no problem finding guys who want to take me out, sleep with me, date me, for some reason, I've always had lots of guys around me and I would go out with lots of guys because its rare for me to find ONE that can hold my interest. I get bored with them in general.

back in January, I started "seeing" this guy who would take me out to nice meals, take me on vacations, wine tastings, everything I loved doing. we would talk on the phone for hours and I would makeout with him every once in awhile but never really wanted to do the sexual stuff with him as I thought it would ruin how special he treated me.

fast forward to a few months into that "friendship" and I meet this other guy...who is basically prince charming to me on the outside. he's someone I've admired for a long time without actually KNOWING him. he's handsome and talented and I was more than shocked when we started talking. but believe me, at the time, I felt like I won the lottery, like the luckiest girl in the world! it was surreal.

immediately, being the hopeless romantic, blinded by things that shine, trish that I am....I was just like ohmygosh, he is perfect, I found him, he's wonderful, I love him.

I do this very rarely. but when I do, its always fast. I always start intense feelings right away and get really attached. the last guy I did this with, strung me along for five years. but at least with him, he showed me some reciprocation that he felt the same.

I found alot of similarities in these two....they texted me multiple times a day, told me I much they missed me, needed me, it FEELS good to hear...but actions weren't always the same.

I'm a girl who is actually OKAY with casual relationships, as long as its CLEAR its casual but alas I find these guys who are so convincing with what they say, it makes me feel like its real, like its something more.

I remember even asking him at the beginning "you wanna be my bootycall?" and I specifically remember him saying "I wanna be more" ugh. BULLSHIT. 

so you see, I get mad at myself for being stupid or blinded. but the thing is, he never SHOWED me that's what he wanted. I hear what I wanna hear. see what I wanna see. so I wasn't stupid or blind, I was just allowing this to happen.

all the while, the guy who was being a total gentlemen to me since January finds out and no longer wants to talk to me.

now I wonder, do I do this kind of stuff on purpose? do I seek the guy who I KNOW will break my heart? do I try to find a way to end all healthy relationships in my life and keep the ones I know will explode?

if any of you read my book, one of the main themes is abandonment with men in my life.

I recognize it. heck for $200/hour that was the first thing my therapist recognized. 

but I can't seem to break the pattern.

guys continue to come in and out of my life....

and its because I LET them.

I can never let go. its hard for me to do so.

I wish I had a life lesson or something to help YOU overcome self sabotage. but I don't. in fact, I just needed to write this out, visualize it, and move forward....

this time moving forward with MYSELF first and no guys.

even if you're attached to something that turned out to be something it wasn't, just know it was real to you and it takes time to get over those feelings.

I've overcome ALOT in my life. it took years for me to break out of the sex industry because of the money it offered and the attention it gave me...but I found strength to get through.

now I need the same strength to get through toxic relationships I put myself in.

I hope this blog doesn't come off as self deprecating. I've always said my life is pretty great....I have great friends and family, an awesome job, money to buy the things I both need and want...but I don't have lasting intimate relationships. Its such a hard thing for me to understand why I can't. 

the one thing I do KNOW for sure. the one guy who will never ever leave me Jesus Christ is still by my side.

there has never been anything I couldn't accomplish through Him. sometimes He heals you quick and moves you along and sometimes it takes a little patience to realize how He is guiding you.

I've been going to daily mass again and its been doing wonders for my soul.

I pray to God that I allow myself to find happiness and love and to stop self sabotaging myself because I know what I deserve in this life.

I hope you realize what you deserve as well.

we were meant to live extraordinary lives, so go out and do just that :)

ox

Trish