forgive me in advance for this blog being all over the place....
it's really just a stream of consciousness as of right now
for 1) I can't stop thinking about this boy. I'm in love with a guy who is so CLEARLY and UTTERLY WRONG for me yet I can't stop thinking about him and wishing I could see him. what is wrong with me? he's no good for me and we will never end up together, yet I'm like so infatuated that the thought of cutting him out of my life is even MORE painful then all the torture my heart has already felt through the slow breaking over the course of the past 16 months
I don't love easily....in fact, I don't even like easily. so when I like someone, I like HARD. why is this? especially since this guy is not a God, he's kind of just an average guy on the surface yet I look at him like a King that I should just serve no matter how many times I get spat on.
is this weird??
I know you may think it's slutty or that I'm sticking around for sex. but I can (and have) gotten sex with people who actually are interested in LONG TERM RELATIONSHIP with me, yet I push them away. guys with jobs, or great status, or endless amount of love poetry sent to my email each morning, I reject.....WHY?!??!?!? SERIOUSLY.what is wrong with me?
I LOVE ME
I KNOW HOW WORTHY I AM OF A GREAT LIFE
am I just unworthy of a great relationship?
sometimes I think my past as a hooker, where I unintentionally could have been ruining relationships ...is this my punishment???? will I have bad relationship karma forever????
God has forgiven me but has the world? has society? has men?
am I forever just a piece of trash in the eyes of men?
2) I'm hungry. I've been on a diet these past couple days and I'm starving. why do we women go through such torturous things such as depriving ourselves of chocolate and food. I went to the movies today and smelled popcorn and CRIED because I couldn't/shouldn't have any. but for what!!?!? WHY AM I DOING THIS?!?!?!?!? why can't I just have a splurge like everyone else???
cause I'm not like everyone else.
I need things in EXCESS. if I get popcorn, I'll need a soda and candy to sweeten the ending.
if I like a guy, I'll want to have sex with him over and over and over again until he says no more.
if I shop at a mall and see something I like, I can not NOT buy it. I NEED IT
I was addicted to drugs.
I've abused alcohol
Prescription pills were a major problem growing up
Am I completely mental at this point?
do you ever feel like you're not even a human being???
do you ever feel like you're not living your own life but merely observing it from the outside??????
my head is spinning, these past couple weeks have been literally the most intense weeks of my life. life changing events have occurred
what do you do when you're so confused?
what do I want in this life? to LOVE and be LOVED.
so right now, I'm just lost...lost in my head
on the outside, my life is seemingly together, in the inside, I want to scream!
but alas, I shall pray.
will you pray for me as well? I will put you in my prayers along with any special requests
GOD IS GOOD
I need to remind myself of this constantly
who has advice???
I'm so willing to listen.
"let he who is without sin cast the first stone"
please be kind. do not judge. but help one another <3
xo
Trish
UPDATE!!!!!!!!! :::::::::: WHAT TO DO WHEN YOU'RE IN LOVE WITH THE WRONG ONE???? LISTEN TO YOUR HEART.
be happy in the now.
I was in love with the wrong one before and I stayed in it for years because it made me happy. I knew we would not be together in the long run but I didn't care because I had so much fun with him, so much passion, animal attraction that couldn't be kept apart by all the force in the world. one day he didn't give me a rush anymore. sooner or later, he won't make you happy anymore. those butterflies will disappear. that's when you know you can move on and still live your life with no love regrets
I'm in love once again with Mr. Wrong but Mr. Wrong is all I think about and all I want. I go out with other guys and this Mr. Wrong is the only person I'm thinking of. Mr. Wrong's texts make me giddy, make me excited. I push myself to be amazing to prove I am worthy of Mr. Wrong. Mr. Wrong could fizzle but as of now, I just love him. it seems I'm Mrs. Wrong for everyone I have met, so who knows? this could be a match made in Wrongville :) sometimes being wrong is right.....
that's life.
i had a date tonight with someone I know through a mutual friend. yet, I choose to stay at home because there's no sparks.
life is too short to waste love on anything less than passionate, amazing, can't wait to touch, won't resist chemistry
"It's not very easy, living all alone, my friends try and tell me, find a man of my own
But each time I try, I just break down and cry
Cause I'd rather be home feeling blue..."
I'm in love once again with Mr. Wrong but Mr. Wrong is all I think about and all I want. I go out with other guys and this Mr. Wrong is the only person I'm thinking of. Mr. Wrong's texts make me giddy, make me excited. I push myself to be amazing to prove I am worthy of Mr. Wrong. Mr. Wrong could fizzle but as of now, I just love him. it seems I'm Mrs. Wrong for everyone I have met, so who knows? this could be a match made in Wrongville :) sometimes being wrong is right.....
that's life.
i had a date tonight with someone I know through a mutual friend. yet, I choose to stay at home because there's no sparks.
life is too short to waste love on anything less than passionate, amazing, can't wait to touch, won't resist chemistry
"It's not very easy, living all alone, my friends try and tell me, find a man of my own
But each time I try, I just break down and cry
Cause I'd rather be home feeling blue..."
Well Trish, I've been viewing your videos for a year now.
ReplyDeleteI never commented, but I do follow you on Instagram and Facebook.
1) The world is not against you, and you don't need forgiveness from anyone but yourself. Did drugs? Prostitute? Whatever, it doesn't matter anymore because you have changed, you are an inspiring individual even for a person like me that doesn't believe in god. Your the only person on youtube that I can sit for hours just watching you talk about some clothes you've bought. You just need to forgive yourself and DO NOT settle for just an averege guy that doesn't care about you. I wish I could one day be like you, fisically and espiritually.
2) You have the most amazing body I've seen, I wish my curves were like yours girl.
You are roller coster, always up and downs. But we all are. Now you are down, but you have aaaaall of your fishies with you wherever you go.
Like I said I've never commented nothing before, and even if you never imagine that I existed, I was always here cheering for you.
Good Luck on forgiving yourself, It's hard but with time you will find it.
Love you ♥
Oh and sorry for my english, I'm from Portugal :p
DeleteJust remember Trisha that you have your health. Once you become disabled, you will really have nothing & then you will think back to now when you had everything!!! Love isn't that important with the wrong man!!!
DeleteLet me start off by tdlling you how much I love you aha. Secondly, im In this situation. Iv been in my relationship for 3 and a half years. I no its wrong, so very wrong. Theres no effort, no spark, im stayin in it solely so im not alone. Its more painful to have no one then the wrong one right? His cheated, it destroyed me, I lost a baby over it. I ask myself over and over why im still here. I PRAY that god helps me every single night. Why is it so hard to walk away? If you find the answer let me no hunny. Iv had so many opportunities to go with other people, that promise me the world, yet I stay. He still hangs around the girl he cheated on me with trish! What do I do. Whys it so hard to walk away. Knowing without being big headed, im a damn good girlfriend. All I want is kids, a family, a husband. I look 10 years from now while his looking at tomorrow. Being happy now yet what about my future :/ I love you so much and im just greatful I have your videos to get me threw the day, I love your videos on religion because they tell me to not give up, fight for what you want. I havnt helped much just venting aha. Im sorry and you probs wont even read all this aha. Love you so much trishy im so glad I have you. Lots of love oxoxoxox
ReplyDeleteI pray you find the inner strength from God to walk away. I can feel your pain in your words. You have to live yourself before you can truly love someone else. Love yourself enough to find someone who loves you the way you deserve. You are not alone, God is with you every step of the way. You just need good caring friends in your life to surround you and hold you up. Life is to short to settle so make a plan and do it now so you can begin your journey to happiness. Much love and lots of prayers to you Jessica!
Deletetrisha if this guy doesn't realize the gift from god he was given with you wanting to be with him then you dont deserve him and he sure as hell doesnt deserve you. those who cant see past the past and what you have been have no vision of the future dear trisha. you are in my prayers, thoughts and dreams dear trisha. i want you to be happy no matter what however know i am here for you always. follow me on twitter, send me a message on skype or whatever just know im here.
ReplyDelete"do you ever feel like you're not even a human being? do you ever feel like you're not living your own life but merely observing it from the outside?" Yes. There are times where I feel so detached, and it's so weird and hard to explain. =\ I'm not sure what it is, or why it happens. I have issues with anxiety, so maybe that's it. As far as consistently wanting to be with the wrong guy(s)... I don't think you're cursed or anything. It sounds like you just want what you can't have. And honestly, I think that can be said about a LOT of people. We torture ourselves because somewhere deep down we like the challenge. We like the pain. Maybe it makes us feel alive? Or perhaps when things come too easy, we assume it's too good to be true. Like, "wait this guy actually likes me?? There must be something wrong with him, because clearly I am a mess." haha That's how I've felt at times, anyway. It can be tough to accept that someone might actually like you for who you are, especially when you've been used and abused in the past.
ReplyDeleteJust the same as I and every soul on this planet, you have the right to choose your own destiny. I don't know you and I'll be honest I only started following you because I thought you were hot haha BUT I listened to you and watched you without divulging into who you were and where you've come from, this that and the other.
ReplyDeleteThis has given me the opportunity to have an impression of you, I genuinely mean no malice in what I say by the way, seriously if you knew me you'd know that I wouldn't say boo to a mirror. But yeh, I've learnt that I think you're a person who makes important decisions based on fear. Most people believe that Money is the root of all evil but it is not, it is fear.
If you make a decision based on fear, you're already to blame for making the wrong decision.
You can disagree and yes this is only my opinion. You're so young (man I sound old, i'm 28 :( haha) why get yourself all worked up over guys? Sure it's nice to have a relationship but if you're finding that nothing is working out, stop looking. Focus on something else. I did the same! I decided to travel the world and I did, I met some amazing people who I am friends with even now, they are sincere friends and that feels fantastic to know that my friend in New Zealand loves me for me not because of what I can offer him/her. It's the same kind of love from your Mom/Dad, pure, sincere and no alter meaning.
Did you know Kindness is Magic? That's what my Nan used to always say to me. You know I never gave it any thought until after she died. 3 little words that mean so much to me now. If you're kind to somebody, they will be kind in return and if they're not, don't judge them, they just haven't learnt yet. The world isn't full of bad people, it just has uneducated people but that's not always their fault :)
I'm chattering on now, but I guess what I'm trying to say is that there are more important things to worry about sometimes. You're clever and good looking, that's 2 more things that some people don't even have a choice about. Love will find you.
Remember, nobody has figured it all out.
Hey Trish,
ReplyDeleteTo me..its sounds like you display the classic traits of an addict.
I can relate because I am an addict aswell.
For me my addiction can surface in many ways, drugs, sex, shopping,...its all addiction. Nothing will ever be enough. We constantly look outside ourselves to feel good. Feelings become overwhelming and we need an escape.
And addiction is recognized as a disease. Of the body, mind and spirit.
If you need someone to talk to, I am here.
I personally attend 12 step meetings to help with my addiction, unfortunately it doesnt get 'cured', it can however be managed.
It doesnt have to stay this way, I know how you feel.
You cant do this alone. There are many people that can relate to you. Empathy is power.
Amen girl! Gotta find that happiness and inner peace within. No amount of drugs,alcohol , shopping,shoes,make up can fill that hole. I can totally relate.
DeleteI'm a newcomer to your channel and I was almost instantly hooked after watching only two videos. I am, by no means, a stalker but spent quite a bit of time going back through the bulk of the videos that stood out the most to me because I wanted to learn more about you as a person - not a screen name…as creepy as that may sound (sorry). The running theme through all of them (for me) was this bubbly personality who's appears to have had it pretty rough at some point in her life. You don't commonly talk about your 'past', but with certain videos it's an underlying/unspoken tone. You've admitted to making mistakes, and having bad judgement with more than one occasion in your life and I commend you for it. There are very few of us in the world who will own their past, regardless of how dysfunctional or damaging it was. It's clear that you have an addictive personality, based on the haul videos alone. I'm not saying this is a bad thing, I love being able to see all of the 'new' things that have come out into the world because I'm a person a set budget with limited means… watching someone else experience even the smallest bit of joy is always something fun to watch for me and that's probably what draws me to your channel the most. Regardless of your good or bad days, you always look at the positive side and have fun wherever you can.
ReplyDeleteAll I can say to you… you are an inspiration. Regardless of the 'guilt' or 'loss' that you feel when referencing your past, you've pulled through and continued to remain true to yourself. Don't let the memory of past experiences prevent you from trying again. I was in quite a few bad relationships over the years and it was only after I stopped looking that the one meant for me actually appeared. I've been with my fiancé for 8 years, and I couldn't have asked for anything better. I, like you, have had relationships (friendly and romantic) in my past that were toxic… and moving past them was the best thing I could have done for myself.
I know you're 'head over heels' for this guy, but if he won't give you the time of day then he shouldn't be worth a single breath. Based on the videos I've seen you've surrounded yourself with really good people, ones worthy of your time. Don't continue to place someone who clearly is not interested on the pedestal he doesn't deserve. You're a young, energetic, beautiful woman with a lot to offer. If he can't see that, then he shouldn't be in your life.
I know that between YouTube, Twitter, and Facebook you get thousands of comments per day. I am hoping that at some point this was one that you got the chance to read. I find the 'haterz' to be a waste of anyones time, and typically I wouldn't comment on anything knowing that it would wind up being a needle in a haystack of hate and opinion. I think you should just continue being you, moving forward in your life and career and take some time to stop and really think about how this 'love' of yours may actually be toxic and better off being moved to your past so your future is even brighter for you.
Best wishes
♥ A new fan.
I think the real trick for you here is to find a way to forgive yourself. Don't worry about what other people think or say about your mistakes or the things you did in the past. NO ONE on this planet is without sin or transgression, every person is flawed and has problems. Steel is tempered in fire, diamonds are formed under pressure. You are strong and beautiful, and only what you believe about yourself is the truth. And I've got to be real on the "Relationship Karma", YOU didn't ruin those relationships, the men who sought you out did. Tell yourself that you deserve what you want, do your best to believe that you deserve happiness, and it will come. And you HAVE to let go of the men who you KNOW aren't right for you, cut them out and tell them to only come back to you when they are AVAILABLE to be yours. Recognize your value, and don't settle for anything less!
ReplyDeleteTrish, what about a man who is a good man, does the right things, helps others, is honest, friendly and caring but for some reason no woman seems to take interest in him.
ReplyDeleteWhat do you suggest that man do?
Trisha, I understand your pain completely. As a Taurus woman myself ( May 6th hehe two days before yours :) it is a very hard thing. We love and nurture so much and all we want is that to be given back to us because it's in our nature. I feel like there are no real men out there today. I understand when you say you're stressed and such because I've been in a rut myself. My bestfriend on April 24,2014 wrecked, got a dui and found out she was pregnant. I'm moving from the city in my shitty state of WV back home to bum fucked egypt because I'm not in school and I'm having to work. It's hard. But I really want to tell you this to say I understand what you're feeling right now, but I do wanna telll you is that you are living the dream girl. I'd do anything to be as gorgeous as you living in your cute ass apartment and you get to be so cute and girly for a living and accomplish whatever you desire! Keep doing what you're doing and focus on you because your hard work will pay off. Keep doing acting. Keep at it. I believe in you 100 percent. I love you <3
ReplyDeleteThis blog post could have been written by me. I'm in the same situation Word for word !!
ReplyDeleteI don't think you should continue to beat yourself up about your past and be lead to believe that the world and God is unforgiving towards you and giving you karma. What happened happened, and the most important part is that YOU rose above it and got yourself better. You deserve and will have happiness, I know love gets you down; but you're a beautiful woman and as soon as a man charms you and you fall for him; he will back and you will snatch up that chance!
ReplyDeleteI think you just find a lack of attraction in the people that have been thrown towards you, which is totally normal. If you feel you have nothing in common; despite his cushy job and willing to be with you, I wouldn't pass that of you feeling undeserving of good people. You're just not that into that one person at that point, and that's normal!
Just spend the next few days being a happy chappy and having fun with your sister whilst she's at yours, you deserve to have fun and enjoy yourself and not dwell on your past. As for dieting, maybe you can just try to change and start a new life style that suits you? Rather than choosing something that doesn't work for you, try finding something that does work for you and meets you halfway, for your well being and health and what you wanna do! experiment and switch things up :3
Hope this can be of help, sorry to hear you're going through a shitty time sweetness,
Aimee
I have been there, done that and it is not worth it. Even if you think about him all day, if he's is not seeing your value, he does not deserve you. You should never have to prove your worth to anyone. And the most important person who should love you is you. ;)
ReplyDeleteI so know what you are going trough. I don't even wan't to fall for anyone, I just stay by myself all the time and you know, it is a lonely lonely life. Hugs.
ReplyDeleteLove, Mana
Maybe sometimes woman are afraid of intimacy, subconsciously we know we can avoid it with a bad boy, since we can never get close enough to him to have to go there. A nice guy will eventually want a commitment, and that's maybe scary !! Much Love TO you , and love always a way !
ReplyDeleteKing James Bible. Matthew 6:24 , 2 Timothy 2:15 Surrender yourself completely to God, study the bible, understand it, and be disciplined by God's words.Be attentive to the conviction of the Holy Spirit and be ever willing to follow Jesus everyday. Do that and I promise your life will change for the better.That means,yes, you need to stop the production of your nude pictures, erotic books , and etc. Also don't mingle yourself with people who are not Christians 2 Corinthians 6:14.
ReplyDeleteRoman12:2, John 15:19. Remember, you belong to God not to the world.
God loves you more than all the angles He has in heaven.
Hi Trisha I am completely in the same situation that you are in. I am in love with my ex boyfriend of 8 months but broke up with him because he is so wrong for me and I keep getting heartbroken also. I told him and myself that we would never be but I am so in love with this man. And like you I do not love or like easily. I am 30 and only been in love twice...But not even my first love made me feel like this man. I am so in the same situation as you girl...so stay strong and move on...someone better is waitingout there for you homie...message me if you ever want to talk...and my youtube is http://www.youtube.com/vieri063
ReplyDeleteTake care homie!
Judith Olivieri
You are so precious! You have a loving heart and an innocence about you. People take advantage of that. Stick with the winners Trish! I love you,your honesty and how real you are. You mean a lot to so many of us, you just don't know. I am a 43 year old woman and I have been struggling with some things but do you know what my escape is? Your bubbly personality, your genuine talks and how you sit down and talk to me. I do not feel as alone so you need to find that in us,let us be there for you......you are not alone! We love you so much!
ReplyDeleteInteresting post.
ReplyDeletehttp://the-renaissance-of-inner-fashion.blogspot.co.uk
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ReplyDeleteHe is also able to cast spell like 1: Lottery 2: Conceive 3: Breakup 4: Divorce 5: Cure for all kinds of diseases and viruses.