do you ever wake up some mornings and just reflect on your life? I have these alot and there not always pleasant. Sometimes it's from bad dreams I've had of the past or uneasy dreams in general. But this morning I woke up from an uncomfortable dream and felt the opposite...felt relief.
I felt relieved that I was in my bed in California by myself. No torturous memories of my time in the midwest with people I didn't feel loved me. No boyfriend sleeping next to me fearful of if he was going to love me that day or be cruel to me. It was so nice to be alone in my bed in my safe place, my own apartment.
For so long, I shared places of living with people who didn't care about me. Who wanted to see me fail. I don't know what love is. It's a sad truth but I don't. I don't know the right way to love someone because everytime I've felt "love" it really was a superficial false feeling and not something genuine.
I'll tell you what I want love to be. I want love like the kind Jesus had for me when He died on the cross so that I could have eternal happiness in Heaven with our Father. I saw "Son of God" over the weekend and bawled my eyes out because Jesus loves me.
This whole time, I thought no one has loved me but He has.
Now I just pray that I can hold on to this feeling of true love and seek it and give it the way it's suppose to be. God willing of course.
I don't need fake love from a man, or pretend love from family, I need true love. My Savior has loved me and now I want to love others the same way.
My heart is so pure right now. My body is healthy. And my being is thankful.
I live a blessed life, I know this. There is not a day goes by though that I don't THANK GOD for it all. It is all His doing. He gave me a second chance at life the way he gave the adultress a second chance when she was to be stoned.
When you think you've lost all hope in the world. When you think things will never get better. HAVE FAITH. When Jesus asked Peter to come towards him in the middle of the stormy seas, Peter was able to stand firm and walk on water until he lost his faith in which he fell under. DO NOT LOSE FAITH!!!!!! NEVER LOSE FAITH. if my testimony is not proof enough that God is forgiving, God is loving, and God will give you a miracle when you least expect it remember this...
JOHN 20: 29 Then Jesus told him, “Because you have seen me, you have believed; blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.”
it's also important to remember we all have our crosses to bare as Jesus carried His own cross to His own crucifixion. suffering is a part of life which will get us to heaven. we must take our sufferings but never forget to lose our faith.
pray when things are tough. but also pray when things are great.
this morning, I was brought to tears on how I was in my own bed, in my own apartment, alone and free of judgement and worry. I had survived. I am alive.
I promise you, 4 years ago...I did not think I'd be on this earth. I didn't even want to be.
Thank you God for keeping me here and pulling me through.
My life is SO beautiful and wonderful now that I cry to think of the thought of NOT being here one day. I just want to keep living this life. with the people who care about me, who I care about. I want to keep living this life. doing what I love and helping others to love themselves and love their lives.
I LOVE YOU.
if you're reading this. I genuinely love you and want the best for you. I want you to reflect today. yes, maybe your mind will go to the bad parts of life and that's okay because you can reflect on how much better you are in the NOW. if you reflect to a better time, just think about how this suffering you're going through is going to lead you to an even greater life than even you could ever imagine.
I reflect on my life and I am so grateful. no matter what tomorrow holds, I am grateful in the now for what I have accomplished, for what I have survived, and what I will do. Mostly I'm grateful that God so loved me that He gave His only son to the world. He did it for you too.
YOU ARE LOVED.
I AM LOVED.
JESUS LOVES YOU AND IS ALWAYS THERE FOR YOU.