I thought I was Over Him...but I'm not

"so take a good look at my face. you'll see my smile looks out of place. if you look closer it's easy to trace, the tracks of my tears..."

wow. I thought I was "over him" but I'm not.

with each day, it does not get easier but worse. the heartache I'm feeling now that all my friends have gone home and I'm alone in bed is so intense it feels like it will never cease.

I try to convince myself he's not worth it. why am I spending so much of my FUCKING time thinking about a guy who doesn't give one single fuck about me to at least explain why he disappeared into thin air.

I was even starting to give him the benefit of the doubt. MAYBE something intense did happen to him or his family that he could not get to his devices or was not checking them due to more important personal issues. I was trying to give him outs to explain his behavior.

then I checked his twitter. he followed another person :( his twitter count went up and I was crushed

well, I was relieved he was alive.

but crushed because he really is just avoiding ME.

what did I do? a year of a relationship with each other and he just disappears? no explanation. I just want to know why. if it's nothing I did, I want to know. if it's something I did, I want to know. I need closure and peace of mind. how cruel can one person be?

I'm so confused and lost

one week he loved me, the next he falls off the face of the earth, blocks me from his phone...and apparently his life.

I am crying, wincing, and shaking from this agony.

NEVER love someone who cannot or will not love you back. do NOT, under any circumstances develop feelings for someone who does not return the same feelings, IT WILL DESTROY YOU MENTALLY.

tomorrow is Sunday, I pray for peace to get through this night as I know tomorrow the Lord will replenish my soul and reset my mind for a positive and healthy week ahead of me.

baby steps.

but for now, I sulk.

I can't help it.

this is not fair. 

What I Bought at Sephora Today!

clarisonic mia hollywood lights collection limited edition in pink

***my first clarisonic purchase ever - see how it goes***

retail price: $150.00

when you shop sephora through EBATES you'll get 8% cash back today

savings: $12.00

Sephora Collection Moonshadow Baked Palette - in the tropics

***colors look pigmented, amazing packaging***

retail price: $27.00

when you shop through EBATES get 8% cash back

savings: $2.16

Laura Mercier Enlightenment Eye and Cheek Palette

***limited edition and the colors are super unique, especially the blushes***

retail price: $55.00

shop through EBATES for cash back

savings: $4.40

St. Tropez Self Tan Luxe Dry Oil

***natural fragrance, 10 day long lasting formula, non greasy***

retail price: $50.00

8% cash back via EBATES

savings: $4.00

Reflections

do you ever wake up some mornings and just reflect on your life? I have these alot and there not always pleasant. Sometimes it's from bad dreams I've had of the past or uneasy dreams in general. But this morning I woke up from an uncomfortable dream and felt the opposite...felt relief.

I felt relieved that I was in my bed in California by myself. No torturous memories of my time in the midwest with people I didn't feel loved me. No boyfriend sleeping next to me fearful of if he was going to love me that day or be cruel to me. It was so nice to be alone in my bed in my safe place, my own apartment.

For so long, I shared places of living with people who didn't care about me. Who wanted to see me fail. I don't know what love is. It's a sad truth but I don't. I don't know the right way to love someone because everytime I've felt "love" it really was a superficial false feeling and not something genuine.

I'll tell you what I want love to be. I want love like the kind Jesus had for me when He died on the cross so that I could have eternal happiness in Heaven with our Father. I saw "Son of God" over the weekend and bawled my eyes out because Jesus loves me. 

This whole time, I thought no one has loved me but He has.

Now I just pray that I can hold on to this feeling of true love and seek it and give it the way it's suppose to be. God willing of course.

I don't need fake love from a man, or pretend love from family, I need true love. My Savior has loved me and now I want to love others the same way.

My heart is so pure right now. My body is healthy. And my being is thankful.

I live a blessed life, I know this. There is not a day goes by though that I don't THANK GOD for it all. It is all His doing. He gave me a second chance at life the way he gave the adultress a second chance when she was to be stoned.

When you think you've lost all hope in the world. When you think things will never get better. HAVE FAITH. When Jesus asked Peter to come towards him in the middle of the stormy seas, Peter was able to stand firm and walk on water until he lost his faith in which he fell under. DO NOT LOSE FAITH!!!!!! NEVER LOSE FAITH. if my testimony is not proof enough that God is forgiving, God is loving, and God will give you a miracle when you least expect it remember this...

JOHN 20: 29 Then Jesus told him, “Because you have seen me, you have believed; blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.”

PRAY.

it's also important to remember we all have our crosses to bare as Jesus carried His own cross to His own crucifixion. suffering is a part of life which will get us to heaven. we must take our sufferings but never forget to lose our faith.

pray when things are tough. but also pray when things are great.

this morning, I was brought to tears on how I was in my own bed, in my own apartment, alone and free of judgement and worry. I had survived. I am alive.

I promise you, 4 years ago...I did not think I'd be on this earth. I didn't even want to be.

Thank you God for keeping me here and pulling me through.

My life is SO beautiful and wonderful now that I cry to think of the thought of NOT being here one day. I just want to keep living this life. with the people who care about me, who I care about. I want to keep living this life. doing what I love and helping others to love themselves and love their lives.

I LOVE YOU.

if you're reading this. I genuinely love you and want the best for you. I want you to reflect today. yes, maybe your mind will go to the bad parts of life and that's okay because you can reflect on how much better you are in the NOW. if you reflect to a better time, just think about how this suffering you're going through is going to lead you to an even greater life than even you could ever imagine.

I reflect on my life and I am so grateful. no matter what tomorrow holds, I am grateful in the now for what I have accomplished, for what I have survived, and what I will do. Mostly I'm grateful that God so loved me that He gave His only son to the world. He did it for you too.

YOU ARE LOVED.

I AM LOVED.

JESUS LOVES YOU AND IS ALWAYS THERE FOR YOU.

just pray.

have faith.

xo

Trish