accidental broken heart

so I woke up this morning with puffy under circles from crying my eyeballs out last night. and the thing is, if you would've asked me what this guy was to me, I would've said just a friend...I don't know how I got this emotionally attached.

I met this guy online back in March of this year. he was literally my DREAM man as far as looks, personality, charm, demeanor, overall human being was concern. now we were NEVER serious. I could've told you that then, during, and even now but somehow I still found myself falling in love with this guy who didn't REALLY care about me. I'm sure he liked being around me to a certain extent but we weren't like "lets meet the family" dating if you know what I mean.

so whatever, maybe we were friends with benefits, but I've had this kind of relationship with many a men and when it was over, it was over. or if I wasn't happy in it, I'd leave or him vice versa.

with this one, it was different....

let me preface this a little by saying I did know of this man before he knew of me, if that makes sense. so I had a little bit of that schoolgirl crush prior to him knowing me or my existence. but again, I've lived in LA for 7 years and this has never fogged my mind the way it had these past 9 months.

he was very sweet and kind and overly attentive at the beginning. sweet messages all throughout the day and night, every text with I miss you and thinking of you. and that didn't end after we had sex, he was still that attentive throughout...heck! I even went to a foreign county just to be with him while he worked. so one would think, surely he wouldn't invite me on a trip if he didn't have actual feelings for me and missing me, right?

well, fast forward to last night, when a friend of mine was looking his picture up online and came across him, his daughter, and another woman photographed at this event back late October (when we are still seeing each other). I had recognized the woman from a photograph I had seen of them last year, so clearly this was someone he was serious about...yet never thought to mention this?

here's the thing...."friends with benefits" you assume the other person does see other people and you accept that cause you're benefiting each other regardless. HOWEVER, this girl was not just another random chick he was seeing, it is quite obvious she's a SERIOUS girlfriend.

furthermore, this guy knew how much I liked him....in fact, I LOVED him. call me crazy, I know! I have no idea why I fell in love with this guy. I think I loved the IDEA of him so much, that my heart just tricked itself into thinking it was full on love.

he knew that I always wanted more, needed more, craved more, begged for me....and he would promise, he'd be able to once a) b) or c) would pan out for him. promising situations would change and things would change for...US.

he's an actor just like my ex boyfriend was....maybe they are just REALLY good at their jobs and can carry it into real life situations? its so tough to understand. 

I will never understand why guys lie, why guys cheat, why its so hard for men to be truthful to people they are dating? I will never understand how men can just play with girls' hearts and emotions and for what...for sex???? is all that worth it? all that lying, sneaking, time investing....for sex?????

I know alot of you may say I bring this unto myself with the way I act and present myself, that this is the kind of man and attention I attract....but I don't buy that. I think that's an excuse men make up in their minds to make themselves feel better and the excuse other girls use to dry and bring me down or deter me from being myself.

REGARDLESS....

we've been up and down many times in our "relationship" whatever that is or was. but this was the final straw. when I saw that picture, it literally felt like the air was knocked out of me, my heart fell out of my stomach. and I knew then that I was in this thing too far and too deep and my happiness was relying to much on this man and his empty promises and hopeless texts. I was in love with him and he wasn't with me.....something I knew deep down but didn't want to believe was true or hoped I could change.

the thing is NOW I'm left with a broken heart. I tried my hardest to think like a man, and be happy with what we had, disconnecting emotions and feelings, straying from too emotional of subjects to share with him....but it just didn't work out for me.

I've been through three shattered hearts with my ex boyfriend of 5 years until I had to call it quits because I literally felt like I could DIE of a broken heart the final time....and you know, I've had my heart played with a few times from this guy that have felt similar. but this BROKEN HEART is never gonna heal if I keep putting it into unsafe hands.

this sucks. I literally have no energy to eat, I couldn't sleep one hour last night. 

I always pictured myself as Miss Independent, Miss Need-No-Man but then why do I feel like this? 

Obviously, the world is not ending and my life isn't over. but its so hard to let go of something that made you SO SO SO happy.

#life

"in the words of a broken heart, its just emotion taking me over..."

A Blonde's Thoughts On....Of Mice and Men

"when she was shoving her legs around, you weren't looking the other way neither"

okay, so I'm not going to get all American Lit on you in this blog, I mean I loved English class and reading and creative writing and all that junk but I LOATHED talking about themes, foreshadowing, deeper meanings, symbolism, blah blah blah....it like so totally ruined the enjoyment of reading, like you know what I mean? like, for sure!

hahaha ANYWAYYYY...

don't let your senior thesis paper take the joy out of just reading books!!!! I LOOOOOOOVED "Of Mice and Men" when we read it in high school. We had a kick ass teacher, who was super hot, and told us whatever answers we gave, we were right because reading is subjective! I LOVED THAT. and in turn, understood the book SO much better because the teach would give us the textbook answers of what was what but also every student added their own interpretation.

so here's mine...

1) I will say I enjoyed the movie 10x better than the book! maybe that's the blonde in me or the horny teenager in me (John Malkovich and Gary Sinise sweating doing hard labor....HOTTTTTTTT) but I've always been more visual, not to say the book wasn't GENIUS...cause it is.

anyway, its about George and Lenny, two friends in the depression era who travel together and look for work together. Lenny is slow and very off and it frustrates George but he keeps em around because a) he promised Lenny's family he would and b) he admits he gets lonely....don't we all? their friendship is more of a brother bond and I LOVE that. they are ride or die. and while I don't want to give away spoilers, their relationship will bring you to tears on multiple occasions!

now getting technical, the "themes" of this book are all very brilliant and still resonate so strong to today in 2013. the main ones being loneliness, isolation, and relationships and how each one could help you or destroy you. I, for one, like to be in isolation, doesn't mean I'm lonely but I do get bouts of loneliness. if I didn't force myself to go to my cooking class or visit my family who live 3 hours out of town, I would go crazy. as much as I love being by myself, human existence is based on being around other people. in the case of "Of Mice and Men", being around other people is both a bonding experience, a growing experience, and a life changing experience for the good, the bad and the ugly. in the book and movie you can see themes of good vs. evil and those who try to be good but can't, no matter how hard they try. "Of Mice and Men" is not suppose to be the fool good book of the year but rather be reflective of the lives we are living, the relationships we build, and what we are doing for or to others. are we building each other up or just trying to bring others down to get ahead in life?

there are more "themes" to discuss but I want to leave it up to YOUR interpretation. if you've already read the book, let me know how you read it. if you haven't, please download it on your kindle right now! its amazing! and if you're not a reader, download the movie off of itunes, you won't regret it.

what books do YOU recommend? were there any other I may have sparknoted by way through high school? I love revisiting classic literature now that I'm not going to be tested on it afterward ;)

anyway, that's my random babble for the day. different for me, I know but I've just been loving this book lately and wanted to share!

have a blessed Friday and a happy weekend :)

xo

Trish