a dream is a wish your heart makes....

good day everyone!

I woke up from a dream at noon today (yes noon, I went back to sleep cause I got up to early, needed it, don't judge me) and it was a dream that I was a real life disney princess. I remember everything being so sparkly and I was living in a castle and I never saw my prince but I can recall everyone including my mom and my sister telling me how wonderful he was and how blessed I got.

I have no idea what the dream meant, if anything, probably nothing but it made me happy. in my bedroom, I even had one of those big wardrobes like Belle had when she was with the beast and it was filled with the most beautiful gowns.

so needless to say, my mood is so great right now.

it just reminded me of when I was a little girl, didn't we all want to be Ariel or Jasmine? to have the happily ever after where you no longer had to worry about anything but looking pretty and being in love? 

fairtytales aren't real life, I know this but its fun to dream about

I use to love to go to Medieval Times because it was the greatest escape from reality for me, like it felt like I was living in an alternate universe. same thing goes for DisneyLand and even Universal Studios, its the land of make believe I always wanted to live in.

in a way, my youtube channel, blog, twitter, instagram is another make believe world for me. I understand that its not the real world but it makes me happy nonetheless. I can connect to different worlds and inspire girls the way Ariel or Jasmine inspired me, in the sense that not everything is perfect but if you want something enough, wish for it enough, your dreams can come true.

the main point of this, is to tell you to never stop following your heart! 

our brains can tell us one thing but I've learned that our heart knows what is best.

I quit college TWICE because even though logic told me it would be a good route for me, my heart told me thats not what I'm meant to do or be.

I wanted it more.....

and so should you.

never settle in life.

I want my Prince Charming. 

as Dolly Parton once sang "I refuse to settle for something less than great, and if it takes a lifetime, then thats how long I'll wait...."

you are meant for great things.

DON'T WASTE THIS LIFE! its so precious and you only have one!

to quote another one of my favorite little disney diddies from newsises "now is the time to seize the day!"

"when you wish upon a star, your dreams come true"

FROM MY HEART TO YOURS

ox

t

thanks to @L_A_ART on twitter for the photo art pictured above :) 

self sabotage

good evening readers....I blog when I have a lot on my mind, when I need to get something off my chest in order to fully move forward.

over the past couple days so many of you have detected sadness in my tweets regarding love and wishing me happiness over a recent breakup. well the thing is - it wasn't really a breakup as much as it was a wakeup.

for the past 4 months, I became emotionally invested in a guy who had very little (or what turned out to be hardly nothing) invested in me. at first I was ANGRY, how could he not want me? love me? care for me? and then I became hurt that he would lead me on, lie to me, pretend to care about me. when finally I realized it was sadness within myself, that I continue to do this to myself....self sabotage as I like to call it.

I have no problem finding guys who want to take me out, sleep with me, date me, for some reason, I've always had lots of guys around me and I would go out with lots of guys because its rare for me to find ONE that can hold my interest. I get bored with them in general.

back in January, I started "seeing" this guy who would take me out to nice meals, take me on vacations, wine tastings, everything I loved doing. we would talk on the phone for hours and I would makeout with him every once in awhile but never really wanted to do the sexual stuff with him as I thought it would ruin how special he treated me.

fast forward to a few months into that "friendship" and I meet this other guy...who is basically prince charming to me on the outside. he's someone I've admired for a long time without actually KNOWING him. he's handsome and talented and I was more than shocked when we started talking. but believe me, at the time, I felt like I won the lottery, like the luckiest girl in the world! it was surreal.

immediately, being the hopeless romantic, blinded by things that shine, trish that I am....I was just like ohmygosh, he is perfect, I found him, he's wonderful, I love him.

I do this very rarely. but when I do, its always fast. I always start intense feelings right away and get really attached. the last guy I did this with, strung me along for five years. but at least with him, he showed me some reciprocation that he felt the same.

I found alot of similarities in these two....they texted me multiple times a day, told me I much they missed me, needed me, it FEELS good to hear...but actions weren't always the same.

I'm a girl who is actually OKAY with casual relationships, as long as its CLEAR its casual but alas I find these guys who are so convincing with what they say, it makes me feel like its real, like its something more.

I remember even asking him at the beginning "you wanna be my bootycall?" and I specifically remember him saying "I wanna be more" ugh. BULLSHIT. 

so you see, I get mad at myself for being stupid or blinded. but the thing is, he never SHOWED me that's what he wanted. I hear what I wanna hear. see what I wanna see. so I wasn't stupid or blind, I was just allowing this to happen.

all the while, the guy who was being a total gentlemen to me since January finds out and no longer wants to talk to me.

now I wonder, do I do this kind of stuff on purpose? do I seek the guy who I KNOW will break my heart? do I try to find a way to end all healthy relationships in my life and keep the ones I know will explode?

if any of you read my book, one of the main themes is abandonment with men in my life.

I recognize it. heck for $200/hour that was the first thing my therapist recognized. 

but I can't seem to break the pattern.

guys continue to come in and out of my life....

and its because I LET them.

I can never let go. its hard for me to do so.

I wish I had a life lesson or something to help YOU overcome self sabotage. but I don't. in fact, I just needed to write this out, visualize it, and move forward....

this time moving forward with MYSELF first and no guys.

even if you're attached to something that turned out to be something it wasn't, just know it was real to you and it takes time to get over those feelings.

I've overcome ALOT in my life. it took years for me to break out of the sex industry because of the money it offered and the attention it gave me...but I found strength to get through.

now I need the same strength to get through toxic relationships I put myself in.

I hope this blog doesn't come off as self deprecating. I've always said my life is pretty great....I have great friends and family, an awesome job, money to buy the things I both need and want...but I don't have lasting intimate relationships. Its such a hard thing for me to understand why I can't. 

the one thing I do KNOW for sure. the one guy who will never ever leave me Jesus Christ is still by my side.

there has never been anything I couldn't accomplish through Him. sometimes He heals you quick and moves you along and sometimes it takes a little patience to realize how He is guiding you.

I've been going to daily mass again and its been doing wonders for my soul.

I pray to God that I allow myself to find happiness and love and to stop self sabotaging myself because I know what I deserve in this life.

I hope you realize what you deserve as well.

we were meant to live extraordinary lives, so go out and do just that :)

ox

Trish

count your blessings

hope you all are having a beautiful sunday afternoon in june :) 

today as I was driving home from lunch with a friend, I was coasting along PCH which runs parallel to the ocean and can't help but thinking about how blessed I am in this life.

its not to say, everything has been handed to me exactly how I wanted. in fact, if you know even a little bit of my story, my testimony, you know, it was quite the opposite. its been a hard journey but I honestly wouldn't change one thing.

I've been used and abused and have done the same to myself, other people, drugs, food, sex, whatever, you name it. 

the friend I had lunch with today knew me right in the midst of my wild days in hollywood. when I quit college, I was already spiraling in a bad direction and my teacher saw it but there was so little he could do.

we hadn't spoken in probably 4 years until today. it was a random out of the blue facebook message he sent me saying he was going to be in LA and wanted to get together. I always liked him, admired him and so I agreed.

he's been going through really tough personal times in his own life. his story is not mine to tell or share but he's been in a dark place.....

so he came to me.

ME? why? I was confused.

he told me he's seen me grow and watched me help others online, including him. he spoke about one video I did that he said changed his life, and made him start taking steps towards a better future.

he's no longer working at the college I went to, he's not working at all....but I gave him my advice and told him just to take from my story what he will.

the best piece of advice I could give anyone, the one piece of advice that changed my life is this....

SEEK THE LORD, AND LEAN NOT ON YOUR OWN UNDERSTANDING.

Jesus is my savior and He is yours too. He is always there for you and always will be.

get on your knees and pray every day. pray for forgiveness, strength, love, hope, happiness, health, thanks, just pray and pray again. 

God will see you through everything and God will always provide.

I wrote that I was driving along the beach back to my home in the sweet little town I live in, in a car I've always dreamed about having with leftovers from an amazing upscale restaurant.....but here's the thing, those things were not the blessings I was thankful for.

in fact, I always thought once I had money, I'd be happy. 

its not the case.

I've been rich, I've been poor, rich again off sin money, poor, rich, etc....and who knows what tomorrow will bring.

but I'll tell you this. money does NOT equal happiness.

being poor. you think if you had enough money to buy things you want or nicer cars, you'll be happy. you won't be.

being rich, you think having money will get you friends and find you love. it won't.

you have to look into yourself and find what makes YOU happy. 

forget the material bullshit.

forget where you're living.

all you have to remember is if you're being the best person you can be. are you serving God's purpose?

I found my own happiness by church. I go to church every Sunday and my soul is happy. I feel refreshed, I feel inspired to share God's word with the people.

I love what I do. I thought I stumbled upon youtube to entertain you all but I realized that I stumbled upon youtube to INSPIRE. to do good for OTHERS and not just for me.

today I realized I was blessed by the gift God has given me. the gift to reach a mass of young girls and INSPIRE them to do better, be better, want more, and be more. to not fall trap to the devil and a life of sin but to be what God intended, beautiful daughters of Christ. to shine in his Name.

COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS.

do you have wonderful parents? children who love you? do you provide for someone? visit a friend? take care of the sick? teach our children? help others? do you cook for your family? do you inspire someone? do you lend a ear to friends in need? do you give great advice? are you an amazing hugger? do you smile at strangers or wave to your neighbors?

everyday we are blessed with air in our lungs and that is no mistake. God woke us up for a reason this morning. to go live a purpose driven life.

acknowledge your blessings and share them with the world.

and remind others how truly blessed they are.

know that....

YOU ARE BLESSED.

and don't ever forget that :)

you were meant to live a wonderful life. 

ox

Trish