a dream is a wish your heart makes....

good day everyone!

I woke up from a dream at noon today (yes noon, I went back to sleep cause I got up to early, needed it, don't judge me) and it was a dream that I was a real life disney princess. I remember everything being so sparkly and I was living in a castle and I never saw my prince but I can recall everyone including my mom and my sister telling me how wonderful he was and how blessed I got.

I have no idea what the dream meant, if anything, probably nothing but it made me happy. in my bedroom, I even had one of those big wardrobes like Belle had when she was with the beast and it was filled with the most beautiful gowns.

so needless to say, my mood is so great right now.

it just reminded me of when I was a little girl, didn't we all want to be Ariel or Jasmine? to have the happily ever after where you no longer had to worry about anything but looking pretty and being in love? 

fairtytales aren't real life, I know this but its fun to dream about

I use to love to go to Medieval Times because it was the greatest escape from reality for me, like it felt like I was living in an alternate universe. same thing goes for DisneyLand and even Universal Studios, its the land of make believe I always wanted to live in.

in a way, my youtube channel, blog, twitter, instagram is another make believe world for me. I understand that its not the real world but it makes me happy nonetheless. I can connect to different worlds and inspire girls the way Ariel or Jasmine inspired me, in the sense that not everything is perfect but if you want something enough, wish for it enough, your dreams can come true.

the main point of this, is to tell you to never stop following your heart! 

our brains can tell us one thing but I've learned that our heart knows what is best.

I quit college TWICE because even though logic told me it would be a good route for me, my heart told me thats not what I'm meant to do or be.

I wanted it more.....

and so should you.

never settle in life.

I want my Prince Charming. 

as Dolly Parton once sang "I refuse to settle for something less than great, and if it takes a lifetime, then thats how long I'll wait...."

you are meant for great things.

DON'T WASTE THIS LIFE! its so precious and you only have one!

to quote another one of my favorite little disney diddies from newsises "now is the time to seize the day!"

"when you wish upon a star, your dreams come true"

FROM MY HEART TO YOURS

ox

t

thanks to @L_A_ART on twitter for the photo art pictured above :) 

self sabotage

good evening readers....I blog when I have a lot on my mind, when I need to get something off my chest in order to fully move forward.

over the past couple days so many of you have detected sadness in my tweets regarding love and wishing me happiness over a recent breakup. well the thing is - it wasn't really a breakup as much as it was a wakeup.

for the past 4 months, I became emotionally invested in a guy who had very little (or what turned out to be hardly nothing) invested in me. at first I was ANGRY, how could he not want me? love me? care for me? and then I became hurt that he would lead me on, lie to me, pretend to care about me. when finally I realized it was sadness within myself, that I continue to do this to myself....self sabotage as I like to call it.

I have no problem finding guys who want to take me out, sleep with me, date me, for some reason, I've always had lots of guys around me and I would go out with lots of guys because its rare for me to find ONE that can hold my interest. I get bored with them in general.

back in January, I started "seeing" this guy who would take me out to nice meals, take me on vacations, wine tastings, everything I loved doing. we would talk on the phone for hours and I would makeout with him every once in awhile but never really wanted to do the sexual stuff with him as I thought it would ruin how special he treated me.

fast forward to a few months into that "friendship" and I meet this other guy...who is basically prince charming to me on the outside. he's someone I've admired for a long time without actually KNOWING him. he's handsome and talented and I was more than shocked when we started talking. but believe me, at the time, I felt like I won the lottery, like the luckiest girl in the world! it was surreal.

immediately, being the hopeless romantic, blinded by things that shine, trish that I am....I was just like ohmygosh, he is perfect, I found him, he's wonderful, I love him.

I do this very rarely. but when I do, its always fast. I always start intense feelings right away and get really attached. the last guy I did this with, strung me along for five years. but at least with him, he showed me some reciprocation that he felt the same.

I found alot of similarities in these two....they texted me multiple times a day, told me I much they missed me, needed me, it FEELS good to hear...but actions weren't always the same.

I'm a girl who is actually OKAY with casual relationships, as long as its CLEAR its casual but alas I find these guys who are so convincing with what they say, it makes me feel like its real, like its something more.

I remember even asking him at the beginning "you wanna be my bootycall?" and I specifically remember him saying "I wanna be more" ugh. BULLSHIT. 

so you see, I get mad at myself for being stupid or blinded. but the thing is, he never SHOWED me that's what he wanted. I hear what I wanna hear. see what I wanna see. so I wasn't stupid or blind, I was just allowing this to happen.

all the while, the guy who was being a total gentlemen to me since January finds out and no longer wants to talk to me.

now I wonder, do I do this kind of stuff on purpose? do I seek the guy who I KNOW will break my heart? do I try to find a way to end all healthy relationships in my life and keep the ones I know will explode?

if any of you read my book, one of the main themes is abandonment with men in my life.

I recognize it. heck for $200/hour that was the first thing my therapist recognized. 

but I can't seem to break the pattern.

guys continue to come in and out of my life....

and its because I LET them.

I can never let go. its hard for me to do so.

I wish I had a life lesson or something to help YOU overcome self sabotage. but I don't. in fact, I just needed to write this out, visualize it, and move forward....

this time moving forward with MYSELF first and no guys.

even if you're attached to something that turned out to be something it wasn't, just know it was real to you and it takes time to get over those feelings.

I've overcome ALOT in my life. it took years for me to break out of the sex industry because of the money it offered and the attention it gave me...but I found strength to get through.

now I need the same strength to get through toxic relationships I put myself in.

I hope this blog doesn't come off as self deprecating. I've always said my life is pretty great....I have great friends and family, an awesome job, money to buy the things I both need and want...but I don't have lasting intimate relationships. Its such a hard thing for me to understand why I can't. 

the one thing I do KNOW for sure. the one guy who will never ever leave me Jesus Christ is still by my side.

there has never been anything I couldn't accomplish through Him. sometimes He heals you quick and moves you along and sometimes it takes a little patience to realize how He is guiding you.

I've been going to daily mass again and its been doing wonders for my soul.

I pray to God that I allow myself to find happiness and love and to stop self sabotaging myself because I know what I deserve in this life.

I hope you realize what you deserve as well.

we were meant to live extraordinary lives, so go out and do just that :)

ox

Trish

count your blessings

hope you all are having a beautiful sunday afternoon in june :) 

today as I was driving home from lunch with a friend, I was coasting along PCH which runs parallel to the ocean and can't help but thinking about how blessed I am in this life.

its not to say, everything has been handed to me exactly how I wanted. in fact, if you know even a little bit of my story, my testimony, you know, it was quite the opposite. its been a hard journey but I honestly wouldn't change one thing.

I've been used and abused and have done the same to myself, other people, drugs, food, sex, whatever, you name it. 

the friend I had lunch with today knew me right in the midst of my wild days in hollywood. when I quit college, I was already spiraling in a bad direction and my teacher saw it but there was so little he could do.

we hadn't spoken in probably 4 years until today. it was a random out of the blue facebook message he sent me saying he was going to be in LA and wanted to get together. I always liked him, admired him and so I agreed.

he's been going through really tough personal times in his own life. his story is not mine to tell or share but he's been in a dark place.....

so he came to me.

ME? why? I was confused.

he told me he's seen me grow and watched me help others online, including him. he spoke about one video I did that he said changed his life, and made him start taking steps towards a better future.

he's no longer working at the college I went to, he's not working at all....but I gave him my advice and told him just to take from my story what he will.

the best piece of advice I could give anyone, the one piece of advice that changed my life is this....

SEEK THE LORD, AND LEAN NOT ON YOUR OWN UNDERSTANDING.

Jesus is my savior and He is yours too. He is always there for you and always will be.

get on your knees and pray every day. pray for forgiveness, strength, love, hope, happiness, health, thanks, just pray and pray again. 

God will see you through everything and God will always provide.

I wrote that I was driving along the beach back to my home in the sweet little town I live in, in a car I've always dreamed about having with leftovers from an amazing upscale restaurant.....but here's the thing, those things were not the blessings I was thankful for.

in fact, I always thought once I had money, I'd be happy. 

its not the case.

I've been rich, I've been poor, rich again off sin money, poor, rich, etc....and who knows what tomorrow will bring.

but I'll tell you this. money does NOT equal happiness.

being poor. you think if you had enough money to buy things you want or nicer cars, you'll be happy. you won't be.

being rich, you think having money will get you friends and find you love. it won't.

you have to look into yourself and find what makes YOU happy. 

forget the material bullshit.

forget where you're living.

all you have to remember is if you're being the best person you can be. are you serving God's purpose?

I found my own happiness by church. I go to church every Sunday and my soul is happy. I feel refreshed, I feel inspired to share God's word with the people.

I love what I do. I thought I stumbled upon youtube to entertain you all but I realized that I stumbled upon youtube to INSPIRE. to do good for OTHERS and not just for me.

today I realized I was blessed by the gift God has given me. the gift to reach a mass of young girls and INSPIRE them to do better, be better, want more, and be more. to not fall trap to the devil and a life of sin but to be what God intended, beautiful daughters of Christ. to shine in his Name.

COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS.

do you have wonderful parents? children who love you? do you provide for someone? visit a friend? take care of the sick? teach our children? help others? do you cook for your family? do you inspire someone? do you lend a ear to friends in need? do you give great advice? are you an amazing hugger? do you smile at strangers or wave to your neighbors?

everyday we are blessed with air in our lungs and that is no mistake. God woke us up for a reason this morning. to go live a purpose driven life.

acknowledge your blessings and share them with the world.

and remind others how truly blessed they are.

know that....

YOU ARE BLESSED.

and don't ever forget that :)

you were meant to live a wonderful life. 

ox

Trish

girl on girl hate

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inner beauty vs outer beauty

lets just talk about beauty for a minute shall we?

what makes a person beautiful??? is there one person who could be defined as universally beautiful???

here's the thing, beauty TRULY is in the eye of the beholder because we all perceive this world so differently, therefor our perception of "beauty" is always going to be different.

believe it or not, not every male in the world finds Kate Upton attractive nor does every female in the world find Channing Tatum sexy. tis a true fact.

its not just physical either. while some guys prefer skinny girls, others may prefer someone thick, some even like obsese girls visually to look at. some are ass men while others need a good pair of big tits. guys prefer tomboys and others prefer girly girls. some like blondes, some like brunettes....slutty, conservative, smart, dumb, tan, black, asian, white, the list goes on and on and on in regards to a person's physical preference. same thing can go the other way in regards to what girls like about guys....older men, younger, rich, poor, hairy, waxed, metrosexual, butch, short, tall....you get the picture.......

THIS JUST GOES TO PROVE MY POINT OF THIS BLOG.....

inner beauty is ALWAYS going to trump outer beauty.

because you can't change a person's physical taste. if a guy likes leggy, tall, thin supermodels, I'm not his gal. never going to be his physical type, so why would I stress about it? 

HOWEVER, a pretty face will always be trumped by a pretty soul.

let me explain....

a few years ago, I met this guy who is known for dating high profile victorias secret/high fashion models....the twigs, flat chested, chiseled face, dark hair, dark eyes, exotic, brazilian, sultry.....pretty much the opposite of what I am. I didn't really even bother to try and attempt to change for him because I was simply not his type. I found him attractive but it just wasn't going to be. I was not his "type"

well low and behold a few months after meeting him, he broke up with his flavor of the month and he asked me out on a date. I was confused. he would come into the place I worked once a week and we would chat but he would never flirt or give signs of finding me attractive. so when he asked me out on a date, I accepted, but was so skeptical. was this a joke? why did he want to date 5'3 tacky ass, trailer park, trish?

here's what I came to find out after we dated for 3 months. I asked him, I said, why me? he looked a little offended by the question but I was young and so he explained as he was about 18 years my senior.

this is what he told me and I'll never forget.... "you're the most beautiful woman I have ever seen in my life" and at the age I was at the time, I laughed and rejected the compliment as a sort of "yeah right" knowing who he had dated before me. he continued (the gist of it) "looking at you, you are textbook attractive. you are blonde and vibrant and aesthetically pleasing but your soul radiates so bright, that a light shines on you, that attracts men"

the light around you, attracts people to you.

YOUR SOUL RADIATES!!!!!! remember this.

if you are a good person, have a positive mind frame, and genuinely just want to love and give love in this world, that will SHINE through you. that is what you are going to RADIATE and the good people will just be drawn to you.

same thing is said for the opposite. if you only think about the negative things, you bully people, want to see others fail, fill your heart with hate....you could be Miss America and no one is going to want to be around you for very long.

I've been on all ends of this. I've dated the most gorgeous looking men on the outside only to find their light they radiate is dark and shadows the light in my life. I've dated guys who my own friends snark at because they're not physically someones type but I am drawn to them because of their light. all of a sudden, what may be "unattractive" to some can be attractive to you because you see the light. seeing a person's light they give off is a gift....sometimes not everyone can see the person's soul because of the distractions of our physical appearance.

know this. we all want to look and feel attractive....and do it! do what makes YOU feel attractive. but if someone doesn't find you attractive or calls you names based on your appearance, that's not someone you want in your life anyway. and if it was someone you were hoping to intimately connect with, someone better will come along who can appreciate your inner beauty which will be reflected on your outer beauty.

I may not be "universally beautiful". I'm not everyones "type" physically, I'm an acquired taste for most. HOWEVER, I will say I have had no shortage of proposals, both marriage and indecent, in my life. while some girls may think I'll never get a guy (that was me as a teen), let your soul radiate and you will find that you can attract anyone you want and anyone who is worthy.

be a good person. 

people have called me "beautiful" on my social media, people who have never met me....and I don't think its the hair or the makeup....I truly believe its because of what I stand for and what I believe in....which is YOU ARE GOOD. THE WORLD IS GOOD. I just try to inspire that to everyone on a daily basis. I care about people, I care about this human race. and thats what people are attracted to, thats what people want to be around. 

look in that mirror. who do you see? do you like what you see? make yourself happy first. and people will be attracted to you once you truly can live your life and love yourself :)

GOD BLESS

why you might want to start dating older men :)

tonight on twitter, I got inspired to blog because lets face it, theres just not enough characters in a tweet to say all I need to say on why I prefer the oler di--- I mean, men ;) 

young girls, let me break this down for you. when all the teenage lass' were crushing on the football player or the drummer of some punk band, I was always drawn to the older, intellectual teacher. the one who wore the glasses, had the power, told the class to settle down, give you encouragement, and have that little something extra....the huge bulging....biceps? 

what was it about the older man??? I didn't know until much later in life, and now at 25 years old, I have a little insight to share with my 18-24 year olds jonesing for the 40-50-60 somethings!!!

DISCLAIMER!!!!! please be 18 if you're gonna start getting it on with the hotttt and sexxxxy older dudes. yes, age ain't nothin but a number....unless you're under age, then its jailbait, just sayin.

18 is the LEGAL age of consent. once you're 18, you can bang a corpse for all anyone cares. 

actually scratch that, thats illegal too.

bang someone who is like 95 for all I care, as long as they have a pulse, you're good.

okay ladies, lets get to the meat and potatoes of this.....

OLDER MEN WILL MAKE YOU SCREAM!!!!!! sexually, NOBODY can come close to that of a man who has experienced life, love, success, women, hurt, loss, etc.......the man over 40 will give you the greatest sexual experience of your life. they will take control, they will listen to you and your body, and they will be harder than any little punk 20 year old can ever dream to be. the 40+ year old penis will make you sore for days and days to follow. that motherfucker be hardddddd, just so firm. like wtf?! its magical! ITS MAGICAL!!!!!! I personally prefer the 50 age range. always have. ever since I was 18, I date mostly 40-somethings but I always preferred banging the 50 somethings.....HOTTTTTT!!!! my last conquest was 82....he ended up being a creep but he could BRING IT. I've only orgasmed with a man over 40. anything less is for the birds.

OLDER MEN APPRECIATE YOU!!!!! young guys take your firm but soft skin for granted. they think of you as just a vagina, a dime a dozen. but the older man will cherish his young and beautiful little baby. haha. I swear when I'm like in my 40s, I'll be at the senior center, looking for those 95 year olds I was talking about earlier......I need to be the hotttt young thing.....so naturally aging hasn't been easy for a gal like me....but luckily, my preference in men just keep getting older and older as I do....so it all balances out. I have an infatuation with a 50 year old man at the moment of typing this....but this 65 year old is really starting to step up the wooing.....plus I can see he appreciates me more. the 50 year old may be still eyeing the 18 year olds (I ain't hatin, I once was one of these desirable young barely legals) but the 65 year old knows he's got a good thing with this piece of ass ;)

ROLE PLAYIN WITH MY DADDY!!!!! don't judge. any younger girl dating and older man has DEFINITELY called him daddy. "daddys" don't refer to them being "sugar daddys" heck I've had daddys who were living off me (big mistake, yall should at least be equals or close to it) but the simple fact that they could in fact, logistically, statistically be your actual father.....makes the older man relationship all that much hotter. "yes daddy, I have been a bad girl, wanna spank me?"

OLDER MEN GOT IT TOGETHER!!!!! well for the most part. I've dated my fair share of older men who have no fucking clue whats going on in their world or the real world. BUT I would say 95% of older men I've dated, know what they want in life. sometimes they may just want a fling, but they'll be honest about it. they're not going to pretend they want something else when all they want is T&A and if they really like you, they're gonna tell you. no games with the older man. no guessing if they like you, will they call? some older men want the booty call and the booty call can be fun, so just know what YOU want, he'll tell you what HE wants and it avoids any bullshit drama that comes with dating these boys.

here's the thing, we all are attracted to different types of people. I'm not saying if you're 18, you need to start having sex with a 80 year old just because thats what I did. I just get asked ALL the time about what its like dating older guys, why I prefer dating older guys, what makes me excited about the older man.....sometimes you don't know why you like the things you do, you just do. 

this is the best way I can explain why my parts tingle when I watch movies like the bucket list, the crew, or grumpy old men.....I mean, don't be afraid to go after what you want. fuck society. its not about being golddiggers, I pay my own bills thank you very much, people in society just don't wanna accept that old dudes are fucking amazing in bed, so they just make up shit to talk trash. sorry 32 year old journalist, you don't know shit why I'm with someone my grandpas age....so just keep talkin on the internet in yo mammas basement <3

PEACE LOVE BABY

gonna Ferris Bueller it today!

do you ever have one of those days where you have SO much to get done and SO much to star and SO much to look over that you just want to blow it all off and go see a movie and get a starbucks and just shop and watch tv and do nothing else??? thats what i'm doing today. I am on OVERLOAD with shit to get done and I just feel like I'm going crazy so guess what, I am taking the whole day off!!!!!!! and I'll just regroup it all tomorrow...

if ferris bueller has taught us anything, its that life is too short and it moves way too fucking fast! you really need to go out and enjoy yourself. I don't do that enough and I definitely don't have spontaneous days like today is going to be enough. its 1 pm and I'm gonna go catch a 2 pm matinee, go to the mall, eat a slice of pizza, pick up some of the new MAC mineralized rich lipsticks and come home and just veg the fuck out...why?! cause I can, and I need to!!!!!!!

work can wait, phone calls can wait...today is all about ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I give ZERO fucks today :)

trish