looking for the silver lining

"I was a slut. There will always be a part of me that is dirty and sloppy, but I like that, just like all the other parts of myself. I can forgive. Can you say the same for yourself, fucker? Can you forgive? Are you capable of that?"

the first time I watched "silver linings playbook", I was unimpressed and uninspired...I was actually depressed at the end of it...

I watched it for the second time this afternoon, I get these screeners in the mail for being a part of SAG, they send you the nominated movies to review and vote on, blah blah blah.

with everything that's happened in my life in the past couple months, I found the connection to these characters. I lost the love of my life when I was 20 years old, he was a personal assistant for Alice Cooper and took his own life. I was completely devastated because at that point, he was the only person I had known since moving to LA at the age of 18. he took care of everything for me and he was my only companion. I was devastated and I learned to block that part of my life out of my head. so I guess the first time watching SLP, I didn't relate because I didn't want to......

over the years of being a stripper and an escort, I've witnessed alot of awful things in relationships. its jaded me but its also made me crazy. alot like pat. I'd have certain triggers in my personal relationships that would be red flags as a cause of working in dirty clubs. 

"I opened up to you, and you judged me!" 

I think sometimes we get so scared to admit we have problems because we are afraid of others judging us, of the world judging us. you tell someone something and they promise they won't judge, but after a couple days, months, or years, you find out they really do. 

I'm scared to trust people but I'm also terrified of opening up. I like to deny my problems alot rather than facing them. As soon as anyone shows a hint of caring, I run. As soon as anyone tries to point out something I don't want to see, I run. the symbolism in "Silver Linings Playbook" of the two characters constantly running to and from each other is a theme that I most definitely identify with. I just find myself constantly running from everything rather than facing difficulties in life...its not a way to live.

I won't spoil the movie for you but if you have a chance to see it, I would. it deals with alot of mental struggles and that's my biggest battle. it makes you feel like you're not alone, that you're not crazy even when everyone around you thinks you are.

"maybe there's something we know, that you don't"

its okay to be a little crazy, we just gotta try and control it so it doesn't overtake us.

EXCLESIOR!!!!

trish