forgive me in advance for this blog being all over the place....
it's really just a stream of consciousness as of right now
for 1) I can't stop thinking about this boy. I'm in love with a guy who is so CLEARLY and UTTERLY WRONG for me yet I can't stop thinking about him and wishing I could see him. what is wrong with me? he's no good for me and we will never end up together, yet I'm like so infatuated that the thought of cutting him out of my life is even MORE painful then all the torture my heart has already felt through the slow breaking over the course of the past 16 months
I don't love easily....in fact, I don't even like easily. so when I like someone, I like HARD. why is this? especially since this guy is not a God, he's kind of just an average guy on the surface yet I look at him like a King that I should just serve no matter how many times I get spat on.
is this weird??
I know you may think it's slutty or that I'm sticking around for sex. but I can (and have) gotten sex with people who actually are interested in LONG TERM RELATIONSHIP with me, yet I push them away. guys with jobs, or great status, or endless amount of love poetry sent to my email each morning, I reject.....WHY?!??!?!? SERIOUSLY.what is wrong with me?
I LOVE ME
I KNOW HOW WORTHY I AM OF A GREAT LIFE
am I just unworthy of a great relationship?
sometimes I think my past as a hooker, where I unintentionally could have been ruining relationships ...is this my punishment???? will I have bad relationship karma forever????
God has forgiven me but has the world? has society? has men?
am I forever just a piece of trash in the eyes of men?
2) I'm hungry. I've been on a diet these past couple days and I'm starving. why do we women go through such torturous things such as depriving ourselves of chocolate and food. I went to the movies today and smelled popcorn and CRIED because I couldn't/shouldn't have any. but for what!!?!? WHY AM I DOING THIS?!?!?!?!? why can't I just have a splurge like everyone else???
cause I'm not like everyone else.
I need things in EXCESS. if I get popcorn, I'll need a soda and candy to sweeten the ending.
if I like a guy, I'll want to have sex with him over and over and over again until he says no more.
if I shop at a mall and see something I like, I can not NOT buy it. I NEED IT
I was addicted to drugs.
I've abused alcohol
Prescription pills were a major problem growing up
Am I completely mental at this point?
do you ever feel like you're not even a human being???
do you ever feel like you're not living your own life but merely observing it from the outside??????
my head is spinning, these past couple weeks have been literally the most intense weeks of my life. life changing events have occurred
what do you do when you're so confused?
what do I want in this life? to LOVE and be LOVED.
so right now, I'm just lost...lost in my head
on the outside, my life is seemingly together, in the inside, I want to scream!
but alas, I shall pray.
will you pray for me as well? I will put you in my prayers along with any special requests
GOD IS GOOD
I need to remind myself of this constantly
who has advice???
I'm so willing to listen.
"let he who is without sin cast the first stone"
please be kind. do not judge. but help one another <3
xo
Trish
UPDATE!!!!!!!!! :::::::::: WHAT TO DO WHEN YOU'RE IN LOVE WITH THE WRONG ONE???? LISTEN TO YOUR HEART.
be happy in the now.
I was in love with the wrong one before and I stayed in it for years because it made me happy. I knew we would not be together in the long run but I didn't care because I had so much fun with him, so much passion, animal attraction that couldn't be kept apart by all the force in the world. one day he didn't give me a rush anymore. sooner or later, he won't make you happy anymore. those butterflies will disappear. that's when you know you can move on and still live your life with no love regrets
I'm in love once again with Mr. Wrong but Mr. Wrong is all I think about and all I want. I go out with other guys and this Mr. Wrong is the only person I'm thinking of. Mr. Wrong's texts make me giddy, make me excited. I push myself to be amazing to prove I am worthy of Mr. Wrong. Mr. Wrong could fizzle but as of now, I just love him. it seems I'm Mrs. Wrong for everyone I have met, so who knows? this could be a match made in Wrongville :) sometimes being wrong is right.....
that's life.
i had a date tonight with someone I know through a mutual friend. yet, I choose to stay at home because there's no sparks.
life is too short to waste love on anything less than passionate, amazing, can't wait to touch, won't resist chemistry
"It's not very easy, living all alone, my friends try and tell me, find a man of my own
But each time I try, I just break down and cry
Cause I'd rather be home feeling blue..."